Evil genie becomes new Capcom CEO, says Street Fighter X Tekken’s fat Mega Man is “only the beginning”

On April 10th, Capcom startled the gaming industry by unexpectedly confirming one of the rumors have been circulating about the company since the revelation that the Mega Man featured as an additional character in the PlayStation 3 version of Capcom’s recently released crossover fighter, Street Fighter X Tekken, would be an overweight middle-aged version of the character inspired by the notoriously bad box art of the original release of Mega Man in the United States. In an announcement made to the Japanese gaming press last Friday, Capcom officially confirmed that the company was now being run by an evil genie.

Capcom's new Chief Executive Officer addresses the company's annual shareholders meeting in Osaka, Japan.

Capcom’s press release describes the company’s new CEO, Azazel ibn Iblis, as “an aeons-old being of almost infinite power, malevolence, and cunning” who rose to the highest levels of Capcom management due to “his diligent leadership, innovative ideas for the company’s future, and the fact that he overheard [former Capcom CEO] Kenzo Tsujimoto say ‘I wish I didn’t have to put with this crap’ just before a board meeting and willfully misinterpreted it in order to exploit a loophole in the limitations imposed on his powers by the magic lamp to which his baleful spirit is eternally bound.”

A relative newcomer to the gaming industry, ibn Iblis began working at Capcom in 2006, when an unidentified Capcom employee unwittingly released him from his aeons-long slumber by accidentally brushing against a bejeweled oil lamp on display at the National Museum of Art in Osaka, Japan. According to a source on the Street Fighter X Tekken development team speaking on condition of anonymity, ibn Iblis had already used his power to grant and maliciously twist the wishes of others to make himself head of the company in all but name for some time before the announcement and was instrumental in the decision to include “fat mega man” in Street Fighter X Tekken.

According to our source:

Mega Man fans had been clamoring for him to return since Marvel Vs. Capcom 3 was first announced. After he failed to appear there, and even more so after the announcement that Mega Man Legends 3 had been canceled, the demand for the return of Mega Man had reached a fever pitch. So, when we started discussing bonus characters to include in Street Fighter X Tekken, somebody mentioned that a lot of people wanted Mega Man, and ibn Iblis said, ‘So, they want Mega Man, do they? I’ll give them all the Mega Man they could ever wish for!‘ Then he started laughing insanely while his eyes glowed red and black smoke poured out of that robe he wears. Which we didn’t think much of the time, since he’s always doing that around the office, but then we looked at the code for the game and saw that someone had programmed in this fat, ugly version of Mega Man.

We started discussing what to do with it- some of us thought it was funny and liked the idea of a fun, goofy, irreverent take on the character instead of just playing him totally straight again, while others thought it would just tick Mega Man fans off. We eventually came to the conclusion that it was probably better to do a more straightforward portrait of the character and were planning to take fat Mega Man out, but then ibn Iblis materialized and told us that anyone who tried to change the character would suffer ‘the perpetual burning wrath of the Black Curse of Apophis.’ None of us had any idea what that is, but we figured it was better not to risk it, so that became the Mega Man in the final version of the game.

In an interview recently published in Famitsu, ibn Iblis said that he has “big plans to make Capcom fans’ wishes come true.” Ibn Iblis confirmed the rumors that Capcom was developing a new darkstalkers game, finally fulfilling the long-held wish of the horror-themed 2-D fighter’s fans for a sequel to Darkstalkers 3, released in 1997. Entitled Darkstalkers Fore, the newest entry in the cult classic franchise will allow players to select from classic Darkstalkers characters like Morrigan, Demitri, and Felicia as they challenge the world’s most prestigious golf courses. The game will include a highly sophisticated physics engine to rigorously simulate realistic golf physics, meticulously detailed authentic recreations of golf courses such as Pebble Beach, Augusta National, and St. Andrews, and, according to ibn Iblis, “Absolutely no fighting of any kind.” This statement was reportedly followed by several minutes of maniacal laughter before ibn Iblis vanished in a burst of sulfurous black smoke and glaring red light. He briefly reappeared a few minutes later to add that, in response to fan complaints about Capcom’s previous practices in this area, Darkstalkers Fore would not have premium “downloadable” content that was actually already on the disc. He then began laughing again and cryptically remarked that he was “sure we’ll find some other place to stick Pyron’s downloadable Flaming 9-Iron” before vanishing a second time.

Sony and Microsoft Band Together to Say: “We Hate Poor People”

Artist rendering of Microsoft Studios CEO Don Mattrick.

In an unusually straightforward press release this morning, both Sony Computer Entertainment and Microsoft Studios announced that the circulating rumors about their efforts to prevent gamers from being able to play used games on the next generation of systems are 100% true.

“We in the gaming industry really had no choice in the matter,” wrote SCEA CEO Jack Tretton. “The availability of cheap, used games costs us and Microsoft Studios millions, no, billions, yeah, BILLIONS of dollars each year. It’s gotten so bad that I and Don Mattrick can barely afford to live. We live in hovels in dangerous neighborhoods, and our children go to public schools. We have to go to Starbucks to get Wifi! But we don’t go the Half Price Books across the street. Because buying used stuff is bad. Don is now asking me to add, ‘that shit is whack.’”

Tretton went on to say that the used games market is destroying the video game industry as we know it. He claims to have talked to “science people” who have found that in a few years, every “actual” gaming company will have gone bankrupt, leaving only “casual pansy Farmville companies” and “hipster indie douchebags.”

Sony and Microsoft will be including special codes with each new copy of a game disc that can only be used once to activate that copy of the game on a single system. Both companies will also require players to have an active internet connection at all time during play. This is not actually necessary to ensure that players will not play used games. According to Tretton, this feature will be included because “Only hobos don’t have internet these days.”

After dropping this bombshell, Sony and Microsoft announced a number of new features to be implemented on the next generation systems. Firstly, users will be required to buy every piece of DLC for every game they own. Once DLC for a game comes out, they will not be able to access the game until the purchase is complete.

“We will be including a convenient feature which will allow us to just pull money from your bank account every time DLC is released, so players won’t be troubled by having to push some extra buttons to approve the purchase,” said Tretton, “We at Sony want every player to have a smooth, enjoyable gaming experience. Oh, and Microsoft wants that too, I guess.”

They will also require all players to submit their credit card numbers and social security numbers in order to access any of the features on the new systems. “For security purposes,” says Tretton

The most surprising and controversial of the new features is the requirement for all users to send in proof of their income to the companies before they will be allowed to use the new generation systems. Any person who makes less than $40,000 a year ($60,000 for married couples) will not be given access to the consoles’ features, including video game play.

“We don’t know if poor people play video games,” said Tretton, “Frankly, we don’t want to know. It’s a market we could do without.”

We at Kuribo’s Shoes contacted Mr. Tretton to ask if he was worried about lawsuits due to the fact that what he and Mattrick were doing was probably illegal.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the U.S. Supreme Court is full of dorks. They do what we tell them to do,” said Tretton. “Go ahead and record this. See if I care.”

The press release naturally sparked outrage among those who make less than $40,000 per year. The Occupy Wall Street movement took time away from occupying Wall Street to stage protests outside of the SCEA and Microsoft Studios buildings. However, both companies had police wagons ready, and ordered anyone who made less than $40,000 a year to either leave, be arrested, or surrender their PlayStation 3’s or Xbox 360’s. The protest was over quickly.

Kuribo’s Shoes then contacted Microsoft Studios Don Mattrick to ask him if he was concerned that he and Tretton were alienating the demographic which has always been the video game industry’s base: young people who naturally make less than those who are less likely to be interested in video games. Mattrick had this to say:

“Look, we just hate poor people, okay?”

In an interesting turn of events, many Indie developers have reduced the prices of their games, and rumors have surfaced about new, third-party gaming consoles. A few well-known Indie developers have been spotted dancing in the streets. Minecraft creator Markus Perrson has reportedly put a down payment on a private jet. What this means for the future of gaming is anyone’s guess.

Kuribo’s Shoes Special Report: BioWare Exposed

Next on Kuribo's Shoes: Is Mario based on an Italian stereotype?

As every gamer on the entire internet now knows, BioWare has recently been caught in the worst video game-related scandal since religious organizations noticed the existence of video games. After a thorough investigation buy some random forum people, it was discovered that the photo of Mass Effect 3 character Tali without her characteristic environmental suit was actually a stock photo. Rather than respecting their fans by editing a photo that they took themselves of some random woman, they stole a photo of some random woman from a stock photo website and edited it. As would be expected, the gaming community is outraged by this breach of trust. Following this revelation, Kuribo’s Shoes took to the internet and spoke to the people.

“I believed in BioWare, and they crushed my dreams,” said one devastated gamer, “Now I don’t believe in nothin’ no more. I’m going to law school!”

This is just one example of the many lives that have been ruined by BioWare’s selfish act. Mortified, we at Kuribo’s Shoes decided to do an investigation of our own. What we found may shock and horrify. Readers with delicate sensibilities may want to shut off their computers and go cry under the bed.

After hours of extensive research, we discovered that the jaunty tune sung by Mordin Solus was actually a rip off of an actual song, called I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major General, written by Gilbert and Sullivan. Instead of creating a brand new patter song for Mordin to sing, they lazily took the work of someone else, altered it, and called it their own.

Even worse, the whole concept of “Mass Effect” that the series is named after is based off of physics theories and concepts that already exists, including gravity and electromagnetism. Instead of spending millions of dollars to hire brilliant physicists to come up with a completely original concept for space travel, they took the cheap rout by stealing the work of Issac Newton and Albert Einstein.

If that didn’t make you vomit with rage, it turns out that BioWare’s concept of extraterrestrial life is also a cheap rip off. Ancient societies came up with this idea as part of their mythology involving the cosmos. They couldn’t even take the time to create their own fantastical creatures, choosing instead to take something that already exists and alter it to fit their nefarious needs. This final revelation is so shocking, it almost makes anyone who would whine about a developer using an altered stock photo in their game seem like a pathetic loser who obviously has no life beyond their internet forums, which are filled with equally worthless wastes of space.

BioWare has so far refused to comment on the controversy, no matter how much our reporters have whined about it on their message boards. It’s almost as though they don’t care about this issue—like they don’t consider a bunch of forum regulars who are complaining a lot about a thing to be worth their time. It seems inevitable that BioWare’s image will be permanently damaged by these transgressions, and will soon have to declare bankruptcy as gamers collectively refuse to buy their games.

Will BioWare and other video game companies ever stop shaming themselves and their loyal fans by taking things that already exist and changing them for use in their games? Now that gamers are aware of this lazy, selfish behavior, it seems certain that developers will have to start being honest. After all, everyone knows how effective gamer complaints have been in bringing about change in the past.

Ubisoft PC titles to now ship in empty boxes

[...]

Microsoft unveils bold new strategies to combat used game market, insists existential threat to human race is “minimal”

Rumors that Microsoft’s next-generation video game console would be designed to prevent the owner from playing used games have been confirmed by the company in announcement given by Microsoft Entertainment and Devices Division spokesman Jose Pinero. In a recent press conference, Pinero gave details of the measures Microsoft intends to implement against the used game market- not only for Microsoft’s next console, but several console generations beyond it as well.

The first phase will be implemented for the successor to the Xbox 360, informally referred to as the Xbox 720. According to Pinero, “Each copy of a game will be linked to the first Xbox system on which it is played, and will not play on any other system. To prevent people from circumventing this process by keeping their Xbox 720 off-line, each system will also contain a separate radio transmitter that does not depend on the user’s Internet connection. This will continuously transmit updates on which games have been played on the system- along with other data such as Xbox Achievements earned, the amount of time spent on different games, movies and other media watched on the Xbox, and covertly recorded images of the user and his or her residence captured by the Xbox 720′s hidden cameras, infrared sensors, motion detectors, spectrometer, and LIDAR array, etc.- back to Microsoft headquarters.

“To prevent this measure from being bypassed by disabling or jamming the transmitter, it will also incorporate the new Microsoft Dead Man’s Switch ®, which-in the event of an extended loss of signal from Microsoft- will detonate its built-in Semtex explosive charge to thoroughly but usually safely destroy the compromised Xbox.” Pinero refused to comment on the matter when asked what he meant by “usually,” and instead alluded to a clause releasing Microsoft from liability for “damages to persons or property due to fire, explosion, shrapnel, shock wave, deflagration, concussive force, severing or total incineration of body parts including, but not limited to, the user’s arms, legs, torso, digits, genitals, or head, exsanguination, hydrostatic shock, being buried alive and/or cut into two or more pieces by falling debris, or smoke inhalation” in the Xbox 720′s End User License Agreement.

These measures, Pinero says, are only the beginning. “Of course, the problem with merely locking out a disc from being played on other consoles is that the disc still exists, and so can potentially still be played on a modified system. While we’re confident that our planned measures to discourage unauthorized modifications of the Xbox 720- such as its integrated Microsoft Tampering-Activated Sulfuric Acid Self-Destruct System ® and its End User License Agreement’s ‘Turkish prison’ clause- will be highly effective, no system is perfect.

“Therefore, for the successor to the Xbox 720, which we currently project will be released sometime around 2021 as the Xbox Spiral, we plan to have some more stringent features. Each Xbox Spiral will come equipped with its own integrated Microsoft Incubator Unit ® containing a colony of genetically engineered bacteria capable of rapidly breaking down and consuming the thermoplastic polycarbonate polymers used in the construction of DVDs and other optical discs. Once a game has been inserted into the system, it will be copied to the system’s hard drive and then transferred into the incubator, where it will be quickly broken down into its constituent molecules, metabolized, and then excreted.”

Probably won't happen to you in the aftermath of an Xbox hardware failure, according to official statements from Microsoft.

In response to questions, Pinero denied that there was any serious risk of these bacteria escaping due to damage or defects in the incubation unit and spreading unchecked through the user’s home while devouring other sources of thermoplastics, such as those commonly found in electronics, construction materials, automobile parts, and medical devices. Pinero said that the expected containment failure rate is “no higher than what we’ve always considered an acceptable failure rate in Xbox consoles,” that any actual outbreaks could be easily contained though standard CDC Level 4 biocontainment and sterilization procedures, and that the risk that the engineered bacteria would mutate, lose the ability to metabolize the carbon compounds in DVDs, and start consuming human flesh instead was “greatly exaggerated.” He added that “the EULA will have us covered anyway,” though he refused to elaborate on what he meant by that.

However, according to Pinero, it will only be with the release of the Xbox Epicycle, tentatively planned for 2027, that “our plans to ensure the health of the new game market will really take off.

“Of course, the problem with merely breaking the disc down into an organic sludge is that the disc’s physical information still exists in the overall physical system that that organic sludge is a part of and remains accessible to the rest of the universe. This makes it theoretically possible for someone with precise knowledge of the state of all matter and energy within the disc’s light cone to extrapolate the positions of all atoms formerly comprising the disc in order to reassemble it for sale on the second-hand market.

“The Microsoft Xbox Epicycle will have the solution. Once a new copy of a game has been registered with the owner’s system and copied onto the hard drive, the disc will automatically be moved into the Xbox’s integrated Microsoft Electromagnetic Induction Chamber ®, where powerful electrical currents will heat the disc to a temperature of approximately 7000° K, turning it into plasma. This plasma will then be fed into the included Xbox Linear Particle Accelerator ®, which will accelerate the disc’s ionized atoms to 98% of the speed of light and fire them into outer space, carefully aimed towards the supermassive black hole at the center of our galaxy. Approximately 27,000 years later, the accelerated particles will enter the black hole’s event horizon, the point beyond which even light cannot escape, cutting them off from any possible interaction with the outside universe.”

To reduce risk of injury, Microsoft Linear Particle Accelerator ® should be aimed away from face while in use.

This idea has been criticized by some industry analysts, who have pointed out that the Xbox 360′s notorious problems with hardware reliability are in large part due to problems with excess heat and question whether Microsoft will be able to to produce a reliable system with components running at higher temperatures than the surface of the Sun. It has also been condemned in an official statement by the United Nations Department for Disarmament Affairs, stating that Microsoft’s proposal “would mean the proliferation of weapons of mass destruction to a degree unprecedented in human history,” and that “the little bastards you run into on Xbox Live are are insufferable enough as it is without giving them access to giant death rays.”

Looking even further towards the future, Pinero said, “Of course, the problem with merely blasting all of the matter and energy that once comprised a game disc into a black hole is that doing so doesn’t change the fact that there was a time in the past when the disc hadn’t yet been forever cut off from the rest of the cosmos. Thus, when the Microsoft Xbox N-Sphere is released in late Q3 2035, each console will have the power to bypass causality itself to ensure that game publishers and developers receive the compensation for their labors that they deserve. Once a game has been loaded from its disc onto the Xbox’s hard drive, the console’s built-in Microsoft Ontological Paradox Generator ® will then travel back in time and alter the past to prevent that copy of the game from ever being manufactured in the first place, utterly obliterating it from existence not only in the present but in the past as well.”

Pinero refused to explain how this would be accomplished. Inside sources at Microsoft have indicated that several possible means of achieving this are being researched, including the construction of a device capable of transmitting faster-than-light signals that could be used to send messages into the past, the use of specially trained Microsoft employees capable of projecting their consciousnesses into their past selves, and, according to one leaked memo, “entering into some sort of history-altering pact with an evil interdimensional being of godlike power, like when they retconned Spider-Man’s marriage to Mary Jane away in that One More Day miniseries.”

Pinero denied both of these rumors when asked about them, saying, “I can’t reveal too much just yet, except to say that these rumors couldn’t be farther from the truth. It is well-established scientific fact that faster-than-light travel is impossible, and that One More Day sucked ass. Seriously, Spider-Man making deals with Mephisto? What the hell was that? And I’m not even going to dignify the suggestion that we’d use something from an Ashton Kutcher movie with a response.”

“The game’s cheating!” cries stupid six-year-old loser

[...]

EA Sparks New Marketing Trend: Literal Video Game Launches

When it comes to creating hype for upcoming video game releases, it looks like the days of humdrum demos, trailers, and pre-order bonuses are at an end. Once Mass Effect publisher Electronic Arts “launches” their new marketing campaign (Get it? That’s what we at Kuribo’s Shoes call a “pun”), anything that doesn’t involve fire, zero gravity, and $5 million is bound to be largely ignored by the gaming community.

Recently, EA announced their intention to launch six pre-release copies of the highly anticipated Mass Effect 3 into space in weather balloons. The games will then slowly descend back to Earth around the cities of New York, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Berlin, London, and Paris (and around Sidney, Austaralia three weeks later). Mass Effect fans are then to make a mad dash for the landing site. EA has not specified any rules for this contest other than whoever gets to the game first (assuming they’re still alive) gets to keep it.

A chilling vision of things to come.

Though EA may be anticipating a Rat Race type situation with amusing and heart-warming results, the threat of violence in a contest such as this is very real. We contacted the NYPD police commissioner to find out how the department is preparing for the event:

“So, a bunch of nerds are going to be racing each other to get a video game?” said the commissioner. “Um… I suppose we might have to be worried about asthma attacks. Are you really from the New York Times?”

With no one else voicing concerns about the dangers involved in this bold and expensive ad campaign, other video game publishers and developers are following suit. Sony has launched a couple of the first-edition bundles of the PlayStation Vita into space already, but very few noticed. Nintendo launched copies of PokéPark 2: Wonders Beyond in Pikachu-shaped weather balloons, which delighted children and irritated mothers around the globe.

Nintendo also launched a few early copies of the North American version of Xenoblade Chronicles. Unfortunately, there was a slight miscalculation and they were launched too far into space to be recovered, and are currently heading directly toward the sun. Some Nintendo fans have speculated that the company did this on purpose. Nintendo declined to comment on the incident.

Meanwhile, Microsoft Game Studios has announced their intentions to launch Halo 3 into space. When asked why they would do this with a game that has already been on the market for over four years, Vice President Phil Spencer mumbled something about Halo fans being too stupid to know what they already bought and then hung up the phone.

Even creators of video game-related products are joining in. In order to boost low sales of the Skyrim novel, author Jeff Jefferson launched several signed copies of the book over major U.S. cities yesterday. Unfortunately, the weight of the novels could not be supported by weather balloons, and the stunt resulted in millions of dollars in property damage. Twenty-three people were injured, and six are dead.

Even independent developers are getting into the spirit of this new trend. Though none of them have millions of dollars to piss away, some have come up with creative ways of launching their products. Since Minecraft developer Mojang has recently made a deal with the LEGO company for the development of a Lego Minecraft set, Markus “Notch” Persson decided to catapult a few early versions of these sets into local grade school playgrounds in an attempt to reach a younger crowd. Mr. Persson’s court hearing is scheduled for March 2^nd.

Angry Birds developer Rovio Mobile also brought fresh attention to the popular franchise by launching actual birds at a group of real live pigs. The campaign ended abruptly when the owner of the pigs chased the Rovio Mobile employees off with a pitchfork. The PETA vs. Rovio Mobile hearing is scheduled for March 3^rd.

No one can yet say how long this particular advertising trend will last, though congress is already drafting a bill to outlaw the launching of any video game or video game related product due to the amount of damage an injuries already caused by the practice. As a result, EA has announced plans to drop copies of video games from their private jets, which technically does not involve launching. Kuribo’s Shoes will be standing by to report on the inevitable damaged caused by this newer new trend as it happens.

Local mom says “arrow to the knee,” gaming declared dead

Tragedy strikes the gaming world as it is reported that on Saturday, local mom Savannah Long made an “arrow to the knee” joke to her son David. The actual transcript of the joke is as follows (Disclaimer: don’t read):

“Hey, Davie. Whatcha doin’? Playing your Skyrim Scrolls game? Coooool. Hey, do you want a lemonade? Well, I WAS going to make you a lemonade…but then I took an arrow to the knee!”

- Savannah Long, local mom/ruiner of everything

It took David a moment to register the debacle unfolding behind him, but when his mind grasped the horror, the controller slipped right out of his hands like an arrow into a knee.

"Look at this adorable picture I made of Buster! Isn't that hilarious, honey?"

This is one in a long line of old people making jokes to young people and producing catastrophic results. The history of this phenomenon extends back to 1980, when the first case was documented of a “hip” uncle reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and spouting unsolicited “42″s directed at his teenage nephew, who had just finished the book. The video game version of this nightmare is said to have started with the 1986 NES title Pro Wrestling and its congratulatory message “A winner is you!” This meme was promptly snatched up and regurgitated by game-savvy quipsters, and can still be heard ironically uttered by amateur pseudo-nerds even today.

This arrow-to-the-knee fiasco was the worst case of a parent ruining a video game since 2008, when Robert LaDuece of Minnesota threw his son a birthday party, sat him down at the kitchen table for cake, and presented nothing. When the boy inquired about it, Robert, with boisterous zeal, proclaimed with arms outstretched that the cake was a lie. Valve lost 50 million dollars that year.

This, however, is on another level entirely. Experts in the industry are declaring this the “death of gaming,” and more than one is calling it the apocalypse. That’s probably going a little overboard, though.
For now, at least, the following references are safe:

• Bad enough dudes
• You have died of dysentery
• Halo is a pretty cool guy
• I can’t let you do that, Star Fox
• Do you have Battletoads

These memes are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs:

• Your princess is in another castle
• I heard you like Mudkips
• Took an arrow to the knee
• All your base are belong to us
• The cake is a lie
• Do a barrel roll

The following are in an iffy “in-between” zone and should be avoided if convenient:

• Well excuuuuuuse me, princess

Gaming’s continued existence depends on our collective observance of these rules.

Bioware promises that new edition of Mass Effect: Deception will actually be based on Mass Effect

Mass Effect developer Bioware has been in damage control mode since the embarrassment it suffered due to fan backlash over the numerous errors and continuity problems in the recently published tie-in novel Mass Effect: Deception. In response to numerous complaints, Bioware has announced that the book is being re-edited and that subsequent printings of the book will be revised to eliminate these errors. Now, in a new press release, Bioware has issued when its spokesman described as a “preliminary” list of corrections that will be made in all future printings of the book. Among the more noteworthy errors from the current edition of Mass Effect: Deception that Bioware has promised to correct are:

Various references implying that the Mass Effect universe is actually the future of the alternate timeline created when Biff Tannen gave a 2015 copy of Gray’s Sports Almanac to his past self in Back to the Future II.

Saying that the volus are not a distinct species, and are actually just ”asari who’ve let themselves go.”

Claiming that the Illusive Man’s real name is “Antonio ‘The Plunger’ Barbagelata.”

Repeated statements that the Reapers, a race of hundreds of hostile, ultra-advanced machine intelligences millions of years old who travel through interstellar space in ships over a kilometer long, were built by the Coordinated Science Laboratory at the University of Illinois in 1992.

Referring to the homeworld of the asari race as “New Jersey.”

Numerous timeline errors including references to the supposed involvement of the Systems Alliance in the Iran-Contra Scandal over 160 years prior to the Alliance’s actual founding, statements that the first military use of mass effect field technology by humans occurred during the Franco-Prussian War, and the book’s opening narration describing the events of the story as taking place “between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas.”

Describing game glitches as if they were actual in-universe events, such as a battle where a krogan warrior gets “stuck in the wall.”

Inaccurate descriptions of mass effect fields, which are actually a technology that can temporarily increase or decrease the mass of matter within a given area by running electric current through an exotic substance called Element Zero, as “an energy field created by all living things” that “surrounds us and penetrates us” and “binds the galaxy together.”

Apparent confusions about quarian naming conventions, as evidenced by the presence of quarian characters named “Rael’Koris vas Greeter nar T.G.I. Friday’s” and “Tali’Vael vas Center Field nar White Sox.”

Dialogue inconsistent with previous portrayals of several alien races, such as giving all batarians heavy Scottish accents and depicting turians routinely addressing each other as “broheim.”

The (completely unauthorized by Konami) appearance of Revolver Ocelot, who originally appears as an agent of Cerberus but is later revealed to be a double-agent working for a heretofore unknown organization called “the Minutemen” that has secretly ruled the human race since the end of the Second World War.

Widespread use of coins made of the highly radioactive isotope polonium-210 as currency by criminal enterprises trying to avoid using credits. While this does not, strictly speaking, violate existing Mass Effect canon, actual polonium-210 is incredibly toxic and so radioactive that a single gram of it will quickly heat itself to a temperature of 500°C, making its use as a medium of exchange improbable.

A scene in which Conrad Verner successfully petitions the Citadel Council to grant Ambassador Donnel Udina emergency powers and create a clone army.

Referring to the turians, salarians, and asari races as “fightgars,” “smartingtons,” and “sexanoids,” respectively.

Describing the Citadel as “like Deep Space Nine, but way cooler.”

Several chapters of hardcore sex scenes, which have been removed entirely due to their explicit content, noncanonical pairings, and misconceptions about both asari and human physiology.

Incorrectly attributing the characteristically slow, monotone speech patterns of the elcor race- actually the result of the elcor having a naturally cautious, deliberate temperament due to their evolution on a dangerously high-gravity world and a language that expresses emotions and nuance through body language and pheromones rather than tone of voice- to marijuana use.

Chapter 8 in its entirety, which appears to be simply a series of excerpts from To Kill a Mockingbird with all instances of the name “Atticus” replaced with “Saren.”

We attempted to contact Bioware to inquire about other notable errors in the book that were not included in the press release, such as calling Element Zero “kryptonite” and the implication in the book’s closing scene that the entire Mass Effect series actually takes place in the imagination of the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere, but have received no comment from Bioware as of this time.

Family Research Council Becomes Aware of Video Games, Warns Everyone

Those are some heterosexual looking individuals right there.

In an incredibly shocking turn of events, a political group populated by people who have never touched a video game is taking action against video games. Recently the conservative Christian lobbying group known as the Family Research Council came across some information about same-sex relationship options in Bioware’s MMORPG Star Wars: The Old Republic. Apparently surprised by this news, FRC president Tony Perkins took to the airwaves to warn others about this revelation, encouraging them to go on the internet and complain (which we all know is the most effective way to take political action).

We contacted BioWare CEO Ray Muzyka via email for his comments on the matter. He replied by saying “whatevs” followed by picture of a dog cleaning his own genitals. Mr. Muzyka’s nonchalance may be due to the fact that BioWare has already had to deal with conservative Christian groups complaining about the homosexual relationship options in Baldur’s Gate II, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Jade Empire, Mass Effect, Dragon Age: Origins, Mass Effect 2, Dragon Age II, and preemptive complaining about Mass Effect 3 and Dragon Age III. Some gamers have gone so far as to accuse the FRC of being twelve years behind the times, or of being “total noobs.”

Undaunted by these accusations (or oblivious to them), the Council has issued more warnings about content in video games that they are opposed to. They began by announcing to parents everywhere that they should not purchase Grand Theft Auto games for their children due to their violent and sexual content.

“In the video game called Grand Theft Auto III, you can hire a prostitute to have sex with in your stolen car,” said Perkins, “The car then rocks back and forth in the most graphic depiction of sex that I’ve ever seen in a video game. After which, you can then murder the prostitute and take back the money you paid her! This game sounds so anti-family values, I would bet my Bible that the company that created this game has gone bankrupt, and no one will ever make a Grand Theft Auto game again.”

The FRC has also issued warnings about the “pro-terrorist content” of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, the “sniper training” in Halo, the blood and gore in Mortal Kombat, the pornography in Duke Nukem, and the depiction of rape in Custer’s Revenge.

Kuribo’s Shoes was able to get Mr. Perkins to agree to a brief interview about their anti-video game campaign:

Kuribo’s Shoes: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Tony.

Tony Perkins: My pleasure. It’s good to see young people who are willing to speak out against the despicable content found in these video games.

KS: Right, that’s what we do. First question: Have you guys been living in a cave?

TP: If you mean the cave that our Lord Jesus was placed in after he was crucified, and from which he rose from the dead after three days, then yes.

KS: Allow me to rephrase that. Have you guys been living under a rock?

TP: If you mean the rock that our Lord Jesus rolled away from the entrance of the cave in which he was placed after he was crucified, and from which he-“

KS: This interview is over.

So far, the Family Research Council has received very little attention over their campaign to warn people about video game controversies that everyone has already known about for years. I’m not sure how I even heard about it. In fact, I don’t know why I’m writing about it at all. This article is over.

Kuribo’s Shoes: Dedicated to bringing you the best tenuously-if-at-all-connected-to-gaming news on the Internet

Popular gaming site Kotaku recently announced the creation of “Kotaku Core,” a separate feed on their sites that will contain only the blog’s specifically game related news and leave out the main site’s posts on gaming culture more generally.

We at Kuribo’s Shoes are saddened by this dilution of Kotaku’s unique vision, one which threatens to deprive thousands of readers of essential content like news stories about Japanese people doing non-gaming things while in the general vicinity of an arcade, reposts from Alec Baldwin’s Twitter feed, and Tim Rogers’ almost superhuman ability to say in ten thousand words what most people would say in two hundred if they thought it was worth saying at all. Thus, we are very proud to announce the birth of Kuribo’s Shoes Periphery, your ultimate source for all things very, very tenuously connected with video games. We’ll be bringing you essential content like:

My cat Midnight, less than 20 feet from my PlayStation 3 (not pictured).

Pictures of our pets on, near, or in the same room as a video game or gaming paraphernalia.

My magisterial 32,000 word magnum opus, “I Once Went to Blockbuster Video and Wanted to Rent Ogre Battle but Couldn’t Because it Wasn’t In.”

Pictures of large-breasted women using smart phones.

Transcripts of my conversations with the waitress at my local bar who kind of looks like the chick with glasses from Lost Odyssey.

Musings on how Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes had hair that sort of resembled Cloud Strife’s.

Mundane news on municipal government in rural Hungary, some of it taking place less than 100 miles from where Crytek Budapest made Crysis: Warhead.

Essential insights into game theory from the abstract’s of the latest articles in prestigious journals like the International Journal of Game Theory and Games and Economic Behavior, as well as excerpts from the works of the field’s founder, brilliant mathematician, polymath, pioneering contributor to fields ranging from computer science to economics to quantum physics, and guy who can’t sue us because he’s dead John von Neumann. Game theory is a discipline based on mathematical modeling of strategic interactions between decision-makers commonly used in fields such as economics and international politics and has nothing to do with video games whatsoever. It does, however, contain the word “game,” so it qualifies.

A new recurring feature recounting memories of times members of our staff pleasured themselves while watching Captain N: The Game Master, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and other game-based animated shows.

Pictures of large-breasted women sitting or standing in the vicinity of people using smart phones.

The most accurate, up-to-date info on references to games and electronic devices in Miley Cyrus’ Twitter feed.

Reviews of episodes of old sitcoms where people played video games.

Nobel laureate and Chapman University Professor of Economics... or former Spetsnaz commando, master gunman, and ruthlessly deadly international secret agent? You decide.

Hard-hitting commentary on subjects that happen to have the same or similar names as video games or game characters, including but not limited to: the Sonic Drive-In restaurant chain, the acting of Saved by the Bell star Mario Lopez, the novels of Zelda Fitzgerald, what real Master Chief Petty Officers in the U.S. Navy do, the career of Minnesota Twins center fielder Kirby Puckett, Luigi’s Pizza and Fun Center in Aurora, Illinois, how the machining process to manufacture gears works, a detailed episode-by episode analysis of the character Linc Hayes on The Mod Squad, and more. Plus, a special feature on 2002 Nobel Economics Prize recipient Vernon Smith, who looks sort of like Revolver Ocelot.

Pictures of large-breasted women sitting or standing in the vicinity of people using conventional cell phones.

And much, much more, coming soon to Kuribo’s Shoes Periphery!

Kuribo’s Shoes: The Internet’s only website

[...]

New Twisted Metal Game to Break Barriers in Video Game Violence

New details revealed about the upcoming Twisted Metal game have illustrated just how gut-wrenchingly violent the game will be. Early screenshots depict a violence so horrific that only the most hardened criminals will be left unscarred by the scenes of carnage. This game will make mothers everywhere rush out to buy children Grand Theft Auto IV in a desperate attempt to distract their kids enough that they will never catch a glimpse of Twisted Metal.

The leader of Focus on the Family was unwilling to be interviewed and reluctant to be photographed.

Twisted Metal developer Eat Sleep Play isn’t just ramping up the gore and the quality of the blood decals. They’re revolutionizing video game violence as we know it. According to the latest news, Eat Sleep Play has hired a number of people (whose citizenship has yet to be confirmed by our research department) to drive around residential neighborhoods with poor fencing. Every time a player runs over a puppy one thousand times in the game, an Eat Sleep Play employee will run down an actual puppy.

Not surprisingly, PETA is up in arms about this announcement. The animal rights organization has vowed to boycott all games made by Eat Sleep Play. However, since everyone knows that all vegans do is chop vegetables and talk about how everyone should be vegan, the threat has gone generally unnoticed by the gaming industry.

Eat Sleep Play is also introducing intellectual violence into the newest Twisted Metal. In this game, players will earn bonus points by burning books. Every time a player burns their hundredth published document, an employee of the company will burn an actual book. This has of course upset the literary community. To balance things out, Eat Sleep Play has promised a similar feature wherein for every hundredth time a player burns down a church, an employee will pee in some holy water. This has of course enraged the Christian community, but this isn’t anything new to the creators of the Twisted Metal series.

In response to outrage from all sides, the U.S. government is taking preliminary action to prevent this game from reaching the general public. President Obama has deployed troops to surround the Eat Sleep Play office building, but so far no employees have been captured. Most of them were already outside of the office practicing running over puppies or peeing in holy water. The others, anticipating this reaction, have barricaded themselves inside the building with a large supply of Gatorade and Chinese food and are continuing development.

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden had this to say about the standoff:

“As the leaders of this great nation, it is our duty to protect our citizens from themselves. We may not be able to stop those dorks from making the game, but by God that abomination will never be sold in stores. I for one do not want our children to be exposed to this kind of violent content, and I also do not want to be blessed with some werido’s pee.”

So far there has been no word from the Eat Sleep Play developers, but they have released an animated GIF of a priest peeing on Joe Biden. The U.S. military has responded by posting troops outside every GameStop, EB Games, Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, Kmart, and Sears store in America. Unfortunately, there weren’t actually enough soldiers to cover the many thousands of stores, but the government was able to convince the members of Focus on the Family to help out by standing outside of these locations with shotguns.

No member of the U.S. government has yet mentioned what they will do if Eat Sleep Play decides to release the game digitally. It’s the general opinion of the gaming community that this is because the members of the U.S. government don’t understand that releasing a game digitally is possible, because they’re old.

Because of this, Twisted Metal fans are generally unconcerned about this spectacle, but nonetheless have thrown their support behind the Eat Sleep Play team—even going so far as to promise not to pirate the digital release of the game. Some have launched a campaign wherein they take pictures of PETA members, Focus on the Family leaders, and government officials and create Photoshop images of Sweet Tooth, Dollface, and other beloved Twisted Metal characters murdering them. The fans have been emailing these images to the Eat Sleep Play team in order to keep their spirits up. To show their gratitude, the developers have released an animated GIF of Joe Biden peeing on Jack Thompson.

It doesn’t look like any of these challenges has slowed development of the new Twisted Metal. In fact, the isolation from any kind of distraction seems to have sped up the process and may lead to even more violent innovations. Only time will tell what other kinds of animals and religious peoples will be affected by the release of this game.

KS EXCLUSIVE: Irrational’s Ken Levine announces that he’s not the guy who played Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs

[...]

N-Control apologizes for their marketing disaster, we apologize for ours

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2K Games President says XCOM: Enemy Unknown was inspired by “love of turn-based strategy,” not fear of bloodthirsty strategy fans

Long-time fans of classic turn-based strategy game X-COM, disappointed by the revelation that 2K Games’ upcoming game XCOM would be a tactical first-person shooter, received very welcome news with the recent announcement that 2K subsidiary Firaxis Games would be releasing its own XCOM game, XCOM: Enemy Unknown, that would be truer to the franchise’s strategy roots and have more in common with the original game beyond “there’s aliens in it and you shoot them.” In an announcement to the press concerning the new game, 2K Games president Christoph Hartmann said:

“We at 2K Games are very proud to be the publishers of Firaxis his upcoming title XCOM: Enemy Unknown. The decision to create a traditional XCOM strategy game alongside 2K’s upcoming first-person shooter reboot of the franchise was made due to our respect for the original and our belief that the XCOM universe can support many types of gameplay, and not because of 2K’s supposed capitulation to an alleged campaign of terrorism and intimidation waged by one or more organizations of militant turn-based strategy aficionados who may or may not have coalesced and decided to abandon peaceful methods in favor of violence in the aftermath of our announcement that our new XCOM game would be a shooter.”

However, some sources within take to indicate that the company’s decision to publish an XCOM strategy game from its subsidiary Firaxis was not made entirely by choice.

“Those old-school strategy fans are fucking animals,” said an anonymous source within 2K. “Less than twelve hours after the news about our XCOM action game broke, 2K’s United Kingdom branch office was in flames and we were getting letters written in human blood from a group calling itself the ‘People’s Revolutionary X-COM Resistance Cadre’ demanding the release of what they called ‘a purified X-COM unsullied by the hegemony of Western Late Capitalist bourgeois Halo players.’ We told the press it was a gas leak.”

The next few months, according to this source, saw a steady escalation of the PRXCOMRC’s efforts, which would include threatening letters and phone calls, arson, assassinations, leaving the mangled carcasses of vivisected farm animals accompanied by signs bearing cryptic slogans such as “SECTOID AUTOPSY” in front of the homes of 2K executives, and a relentless campaign  of hostile, poorly spelled comments and systematic down-voting on GameTrailers.com.

Image captured by security cameras at 7:43 PM, April 23rd 2010, at 2K Games headquarters in Novato, California, 9 days after Christoph Hartmann's press release announcing that in the new XCOM "Players will explore the world of XCOM from an immersive new perspective"

After a series of unsuccessful attempts at reprisal, 2K’s management capitulated, according to this source, resulting in 2K agreeing to the militant group’s demands at a secret summit held at Camp David in October of 2011. Our source added, “Negotiations nearly broke down at the last minute when a militant splinter group of PRXCOMRC, which was called the Popular Resistance X-COM Revolutionary Collective- so they also called themselves the ‘PRXCOMRC’,and you can imagine what a pain in the ass that was- announced that calling the game ‘XCOM‘ was unacceptable and demanded that the original hyphen be restored. Then a radical faction of the British wing of that group demanded that the original British title UFO: Enemy Unknown be used instead… God, it was a real mess.”

However, Hartmann has vehemently denied these allegations, saying, “Nonsense. 2K Games does not negotiate with terrorists. Our decision to publish a second, strategy-focused XCOM game has nothing to do with anything involving terrorist bombings, the severed digits and/or heads of of hostages being mailed to 2K headquarters, proxy wars waged by armies of bloodthirsty Maoist guerillas, or daring late-night raids on 2K headquarters by a band of renegade Russian Spetsnaz commandos lead by a former assassin for Israeli intelligence who faked his own death in 2003 to become the deadly soldier of fortune known only as ‘the Golden Jackal.’ It’s all about our love of turn-based strategy.”

Big game companies stop backing SOPA, Fascism, possibly Satan

[...]

“Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched

Uncanny.

Following the emergence of the “Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul” campaign started by Dungeoneers lead developer Alex Beltramo, Newt Gingrich’s dorkier supporters have started a similar program on World of Warcraft.

The “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign will give a dollar to support Gingrich’s nomination efforts every time a Horde player ventures into Alliance territory and kills a Night Elf. Those dollars will be used to pay young men to pose as female cyber-prostitutes, who will charge players gold for their services, and will sell the gold for real money which will be used to fund the Gingrich campaign.

According to the minds behind the campaign, Night Elves were chosen as the target for political reasons.

“Night Elves are gay, as made clear by Mr. Fisher. And according to Newt Gingrich, having openly gay people in a military organization is dangerous because it makes some people uncomfortable. Well, Night Elves make us uncomfortable while we’re playing World of Warcraft, which has the word ‘war’ in it. Therefore, Night Elves are dangerous and need to be eliminated.”

One of the first players to kill a Night Elf in the name of the Republican candidate, a Troll named NewtLover43, had this to say about the campaign:

“Gay people choose to be gay, and they choose to be Night Elves. Since Night Elves are the gay race, the gay people who choose to play as them are openly gay in service to the Alliance. That makes me very uncomfortable. That’s why I kill every Night Elf I see.”

One of the many who claim to have come up with the idea for the campaign first agreed to an online interview in Orgrimmar wherein he explained the reasons for their support of the Republican nomination candidate.

“We support Newt Gingrich because he consistently and honestly adheres to America’s core principles. These include never taxing the rich, letting kids pray in schools, keeping out the Mexicans, defeating socialism, cutting off those lazy welfare queens, torturing terrorists, and, most importantly, keeping the gays from getting married. We feel that Gingrich embodies the virtues of American patriotism and strong family values.”

When asked how Gingrich’s divorce and general abandonment of his cancer-ridden wife was an example of family values, the interviewee replied by saying “STFU NOOB” and then reporting me for trolling.

The campaign for Gingrich’s nomination denies having any involvement in the fundraising efforts on World of Warcraft. However, the dedicated team of researchers here at Kuribo’s Shoes have discovered that Gingrich does indeed have a World of Warcraft character connected to the movement. The character is a level 85 Orc warrior with the name NewtRulez69. The former speaker rides a grand ice mammoth into battle, and some people (who may or may not include our researchers) say that he chose this mount because it has an uncanny resemblance to Gingrich himself. He is the head of a raiding guild called “Presidents of Azeroth” which makes regular raids against the Alliance, particularly against areas frequented by Night Elves. It is also rumored that he married a Blood Elf in-game, but divorced her while she was struggling to recover from a vicious hacking that left her completely without epic gear.

It appears that NewtRulez69 has connections to several Chinese gold miners who have been funneling gold to the guild which is running the campaign. It’s rumored that Gingrich is writing off the pitiful wages he’s paying these Chinese players as a business-related tax credit.

So far these Gingrich fans have raised over $10,000. One victim of the campaign offered his opinion about their efforts: “They can kill all of us a thousand times. Nothing’s going to get that mammoth elected president.” Another Night Elf player responded by releasing a video of dozens of male Night Elves dancing with each other over the corpses of Orcs to a user-created song entitled “Gay People Choose to Be Gay as Much as You Choose to Be Celibate.”

Despite these criticisms, the “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign is going strong. However, it’s expected that the funds raised by this effort will be insignificant compared to the millions of dollars in bribes given to Gingrich by giant malevolent corporations.

Update: It appears that the IRS is filing charges against Newt Gingrich for tax violations related to his financial activity in World of Warcraft. Facing increasing hostility and pressure from his raiding guild, Gingrich has announced his resignation as guild leader, saying that “I’m willing to lead but I’m not willing to preside over people who are total n00bs.”

3DS Bundle Includes Migraine Pills, Free Laser Surgery

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GameStop announces upgrades to its automated phone notifications system, rescinds threats of Biblical plagues

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MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT THING: December 2011 State of The Shoes

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2011 VGAs air, millions leave country out of embarrassment

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2011 Spike Video Game Awards winners no one cared about enough to televise announced

With the recent announcement of the big winners of the 2011 Spike Video Game Awards, it’s all too easy to forget that, much like the technical awards at the Oscars, there are numerous Spike awards that are not presented at the main ceremony.

Yet, while these awards may carry less prestige than those presented on national television by D-list celebrities who may or may not have some sort of actual connection to video games, the artistic and technological achievements they honor are no less important to the world of gaming and deserve recognition extending far beyond the untelevised ceremony hosted by a former lighting technician for the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and the guy who did the voice-overs for the instructional VHS tape that came with the Sega Activator in the tool shed of Bobby Kotick’s unfinished summer home at which they were originally presented.

Thus, to honor these contributors to the world of gaming, Kuribo’s Shoes is proud to present this list of the 2011 Spike Video Game Awards winners that no one cared about enough to publicize.

Best Performance-Enhancing Drug Use Simulator

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings (PC)

Honorable Mention: Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360)

Best Game That Was Accidentally Named After a Military-Themed Porno Movie Due to a Packaging Manufacturer’s Error

Hard Corps: Uprising (Xbox360, PS3)

Michael Richards Foundation Award for Racial Sensitivity in Popular Culture

Deus Ex: Human Revolution, for its use of the character Letitia to provide a subtle, nuanced exploration of the lives of African-Americans in 21st-century Detroit (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Best Game That Sounds Like a Store Next to the Food Court at the Mall

World of Tanks (PC)

Green Gamer Award for Outstanding Advances in Environmental Responsibility by Stapling 3 Business cards Together and Trying to Pass it Off as a “Manual”

F.E.A.R. 3 (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

Best Game That Was Clearly Thought Up at 3 AM By People Sitting in a Huge Cloud of Marijuana Smoke

Hyperdimenison Neptunia, NIS America’s epic RPG saga about a war between four rival goddesses that are allegorical representations of different video game systems. (PS3)

Honorable Mention: Magicka Vietnam (PC)

Sheer Fucking Chutzpah

Nintendo, for once again releasing two full-priced Pokémon titles that are essentially the same game.

Most Subtly Unfortunate Unintended Historical Association in Gaming

Nintendo, for calling those two Pokémon games Pokémon White Version and Pokémon Black Version and populating each of them with equal groups of Pokémon who do not appear together and can be found only in their separate color-coded domains.

Most Amusing Game Title to Smutty-Minded 12 Year-Olds

Operation Flashpoint: Red River (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Honorable Mention: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (PC, PS3, Xbox 360) 

Best Multiplatform Action Game Featuring Mark Hamill as the Joker

Batman: Arkham City (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Best Game Where You Can Beat a World-Devouring God Older Than the Cosmos Itself to Death With a Lead Pipe

Marvel vs. Capcom 3: The Fate of Two Worlds (PS3, Xbox 360)

Kuribo’s Shoes extends its warmest congratulations to all of this year’s winners.

Newest PSN User Agreements Update Prevents Player Complaints

When questioned about the large bag of cash in his possession, former Judge Rain declared a "money fight."

In the past few months, major electronics companies have been coming out with updated user agreements that contain sections which prohibit players from filing class-action lawsuits. Microsoft recently released an update which declares that any dispute that a user may have with their gaming division may only be settled through a private out-of-court arbitration. Basically, this means that any suit will be heard by a retired judge who is paid a lot more money than an actual judge and isn’t in any way obligated to be sympathetic with the little guy getting screwed by big corporations. This announcement comes less than three months after Sony put out a Terms of Service update with similar wording and which creates the same effect.

Eager to stay ahead of the game, Sony Computer Entertainment just released a new update which requires people who want to use the PlayStation Network to accept their new terms. These Terms of Service state that users of the PlayStation 3, PSP, and other Sony products are no longer allowed to complain about anything related to the company. Should any person be found to have expressed complaint about any licensed Sony product, whether it be in an online game, on Facebook, on a public bathroom wall, or in an article about the latest PSN Terms of Service update, that person will be in violation of the user agreements and will be barred from playing any games on a Sony platform. Yes, this includes Skyrim.

The previous PSN Terms of Service update, which disallowed class-action suits against Sony, was thought to be in response to the negative reaction of many members of PSN to the halt in online services and compromise in their security following the hacking of the network. The newest update is thought to be in response to the negative reaction to the disallowance of PlayStation product owners to file a lawsuit against Sony that would be heard by an actual judge and jury.

Responding to the flood of criticism following the release of these new user agreements, Sony Computer Entertainment America CEO Jack Tretton issued the following statement:

“We at SCEA realize that we have disappointed many of our loyal fans and users in the wake of the recent hacking of the PlayStation Network, and we have listened to your complaints about the resulting changes in the PSN user agreements. Fortunately, with the release of these updated agreements, we won’t have to listen to them anymore.”

A group of PSN users have already tried to sue Sony over the new user agreements, but the group lost in the private, out-of-court arbitration. The retired judge who served as arbiter, former Judge Mack N. Rain, had this to say:

“Sony effectively argued their position. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make a large deposit.”

Kuribo’s Shoes was able to contact the leader of the group who attempted to sue Sony. The gamer, who prefers to remain unnamed, based his argument on the first amendment of the U.S. constitution, saying that free speech is a basic right.

“I would do anything to protect my right of free speech! I don’t need Sony. I’ll throw my PlayStation 3 right out the window! Oh God, I can’t take it anymore. I take it back! I’ll do anything, just let me play Skyrim again!”

Because the lawsuit against Sony failed, other gaming companies, including Microsoft and Electronic Arts, have already written very similar user agreements which are expected to be put into effect in the near future. Sony, meanwhile, has already issued a press release pointing out that SCE now has the highest customer satisfaction of any gaming company by far.

Their opponents thoroughly crushed, Sony is already in the process of drafting a new set of user agreements. It’s rumored that these Terms of Service will state that in order to use any Sony products, users must take time out of their day every hour on the hour to praise the company for its greatness. Additionally, any journalist who publishes an article relating to Sony must not only refrain from criticism, but must close the article by declaring that Sony Computer Entertainment is the greatest gaming company of all time. This new update is expected to be released at any second.

In conclusion, Sony is right to make these changes to the user agreements, and has made all the right decisions and never made any mistakes. Sony Computer Entertainment is the greatest gaming company of all time. All hail Sony!

Nintendo announces new glitch that allows you to enjoy Skyward Sword from the very beginning

After receiving various reports from frustrated users, Nintendo has confirmed the existence of a game-ending bug in The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Apparently, the glitch will manifest if you complete some series of arbitrary tasks in an incorrectly arbitrary order, and will then prevent certain in-game events from occurring properly, rendering the game unplayable. Sorry if we’re a little vague on the details. We’re still playing Skyrim over here, cause Nintendo games are for babies.

Anyway, what should be a PR headache for the company – especially after the lukewarm response to its 3DS release and catastrophically falling profits (Nintendo president Satoru Iwata could only afford one solid gold toilet this year) – has now been spun into a back-of-the-box feature.

“We’re actually very proud of the fans for discovering Skyward Sword’s secret ‘New Game Plus Minus Plus’ mode,” says Reggie Fils-Aime, Nintendo’s VP of kicking ass and chewing bubblegum (though he is presently out of bubblegum). “We hoped people would never find it, but our fans are too smart for that. Those god damn nerds found it right away!”

Reggie, who totally is okay with us calling him that cause we’re bros, continued by elaborating on why the mode was given the unusual name of “New Game Plus Minus Plus.” He explained that the New Game Plus is a long-standing tradition in video games, usually found in RPGs. The mode allows you to play the game over again, while still keeping all of the weapons or experience points you had accumulated in your initial playthrough. NGPMP operates in a very similar fashion, only that it requires you to start a new game without any of the “plus.” So it’s a New Game Plus without the Plus, or New Game Plus Minus Plus. It’s pretty clever…in a stupid, not clever way, but what the name essentially means is that you have to get to start Skyward Sword over again from the very beginning, without any of the progress you had made.

“Our competitors would probably charge extra to make you download the NGPMP mode, but Nintendo isn’t like that. We’re giving you great features like this for free, without any online infrastructure in place to help us fix it — I mean…not that. We don’t need to fix it. We did it on purpose!” For a moment, and only a moment, Reggie began to look flustered.  

Stores are being instructed to label all copies of Skyward Sword with a sticker promoting its secret new mode, with some even taking it as a cue that the game is now more valuable, and thus, should cost more. One Gamestop manager we spoke to said he was unfamiliar with some game about a girl named Zelda, but that we should probably pick up a few strategy guides for it and a complimentary $15 subscription to Game Informer while we were there.

Next thing we knew, our wallets were gone and the trunk of the car was full of DJ Heroes. Curse you, Gamestop!