EA Sparks New Marketing Trend: Literal Video Game Launches

When it comes to creating hype for upcoming video game releases, it looks like the days of humdrum demos, trailers, and pre-order bonuses are at an end. Once Mass Effect publisher Electronic Arts “launches” their new marketing campaign (Get it? That’s what we at Kuribo’s Shoes call a “pun”), anything that doesn’t involve fire, zero gravity, and $5 million is bound to be largely ignored by the gaming community.

Recently, EA announced their intention to launch six pre-release copies of the highly anticipated Mass Effect 3 into space in weather balloons. The games will then slowly descend back to Earth around the cities of New York, San Francisco, Las Vegas, Berlin, London, and Paris (and around Sidney, Austaralia three weeks later). Mass Effect fans are then to make a mad dash for the landing site. EA has not specified any rules for this contest other than whoever gets to the game first (assuming they’re still alive) gets to keep it.

A chilling vision of things to come.

Though EA may be anticipating a Rat Race type situation with amusing and heart-warming results, the threat of violence in a contest such as this is very real. We contacted the NYPD police commissioner to find out how the department is preparing for the event:

“So, a bunch of nerds are going to be racing each other to get a video game?” said the commissioner. “Um… I suppose we might have to be worried about asthma attacks. Are you really from the New York Times?”

With no one else voicing concerns about the dangers involved in this bold and expensive ad campaign, other video game publishers and developers are following suit. Sony has launched a couple of the first-edition bundles of the PlayStation Vita into space already, but very few noticed. Nintendo launched copies of PokéPark 2: Wonders Beyond in Pikachu-shaped weather balloons, which delighted children and irritated mothers around the globe.

Nintendo also launched a few early copies of the North American version of Xenoblade Chronicles. Unfortunately, there was a slight miscalculation and they were launched too far into space to be recovered, and are currently heading directly toward the sun. Some Nintendo fans have speculated that the company did this on purpose. Nintendo declined to comment on the incident.

Meanwhile, Microsoft Game Studios has announced their intentions to launch Halo 3 into space. When asked why they would do this with a game that has already been on the market for over four years, Vice President Phil Spencer mumbled something about Halo fans being too stupid to know what they already bought and then hung up the phone.

Even creators of video game-related products are joining in. In order to boost low sales of the Skyrim novel, author Jeff Jefferson launched several signed copies of the book over major U.S. cities yesterday. Unfortunately, the weight of the novels could not be supported by weather balloons, and the stunt resulted in millions of dollars in property damage. Twenty-three people were injured, and six are dead.

Even independent developers are getting into the spirit of this new trend. Though none of them have millions of dollars to piss away, some have come up with creative ways of launching their products. Since Minecraft developer Mojang has recently made a deal with the LEGO company for the development of a Lego Minecraft set, Markus “Notch” Persson decided to catapult a few early versions of these sets into local grade school playgrounds in an attempt to reach a younger crowd. Mr. Persson’s court hearing is scheduled for March 2^nd.

Angry Birds developer Rovio Mobile also brought fresh attention to the popular franchise by launching actual birds at a group of real live pigs. The campaign ended abruptly when the owner of the pigs chased the Rovio Mobile employees off with a pitchfork. The PETA vs. Rovio Mobile hearing is scheduled for March 3^rd.

No one can yet say how long this particular advertising trend will last, though congress is already drafting a bill to outlaw the launching of any video game or video game related product due to the amount of damage an injuries already caused by the practice. As a result, EA has announced plans to drop copies of video games from their private jets, which technically does not involve launching. Kuribo’s Shoes will be standing by to report on the inevitable damaged caused by this newer new trend as it happens.

Local mom says “arrow to the knee,” gaming declared dead

Tragedy strikes the gaming world as it is reported that on Saturday, local mom Savannah Long made an “arrow to the knee” joke to her son David. The actual transcript of the joke is as follows (Disclaimer: don’t read):

“Hey, Davie. Whatcha doin’? Playing your Skyrim Scrolls game? Coooool. Hey, do you want a lemonade? Well, I WAS going to make you a lemonade…but then I took an arrow to the knee!”

- Savannah Long, local mom/ruiner of everything

It took David a moment to register the debacle unfolding behind him, but when his mind grasped the horror, the controller slipped right out of his hands like an arrow into a knee.

"Look at this adorable picture I made of Buster! Isn't that hilarious, honey?"

This is one in a long line of old people making jokes to young people and producing catastrophic results. The history of this phenomenon extends back to 1980, when the first case was documented of a “hip” uncle reading The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and spouting unsolicited “42″s directed at his teenage nephew, who had just finished the book. The video game version of this nightmare is said to have started with the 1986 NES title Pro Wrestling and its congratulatory message “A winner is you!” This meme was promptly snatched up and regurgitated by game-savvy quipsters, and can still be heard ironically uttered by amateur pseudo-nerds even today.

This arrow-to-the-knee fiasco was the worst case of a parent ruining a video game since 2008, when Robert LaDuece of Minnesota threw his son a birthday party, sat him down at the kitchen table for cake, and presented nothing. When the boy inquired about it, Robert, with boisterous zeal, proclaimed with arms outstretched that the cake was a lie. Valve lost 50 million dollars that year.

This, however, is on another level entirely. Experts in the industry are declaring this the “death of gaming,” and more than one is calling it the apocalypse. That’s probably going a little overboard, though.
For now, at least, the following references are safe:

• Bad enough dudes
• You have died of dysentery
• Halo is a pretty cool guy
• I can’t let you do that, Star Fox
• Do you have Battletoads

These memes are dangerous and should be avoided at all costs:

• Your princess is in another castle
• I heard you like Mudkips
• Took an arrow to the knee
• All your base are belong to us
• The cake is a lie
• Do a barrel roll

The following are in an iffy “in-between” zone and should be avoided if convenient:

• Well excuuuuuuse me, princess

Gaming’s continued existence depends on our collective observance of these rules.

Bioware promises that new edition of Mass Effect: Deception will actually be based on Mass Effect

Mass Effect developer Bioware has been in damage control mode since the embarrassment it suffered due to fan backlash over the numerous errors and continuity problems in the recently published tie-in novel Mass Effect: Deception. In response to numerous complaints, Bioware has announced that the book is being re-edited and that subsequent printings of the book will be revised to eliminate these errors. Now, in a new press release, Bioware has issued when its spokesman described as a “preliminary” list of corrections that will be made in all future printings of the book. Among the more noteworthy errors from the current edition of Mass Effect: Deception that Bioware has promised to correct are:

Various references implying that the Mass Effect universe is actually the future of the alternate timeline created when Biff Tannen gave a 2015 copy of Gray’s Sports Almanac to his past self in Back to the Future II.

Saying that the volus are not a distinct species, and are actually just ”asari who’ve let themselves go.”

Claiming that the Illusive Man’s real name is “Antonio ‘The Plunger’ Barbagelata.”

Repeated statements that the Reapers, a race of hundreds of hostile, ultra-advanced machine intelligences millions of years old who travel through interstellar space in ships over a kilometer long, were built by the Coordinated Science Laboratory at the University of Illinois in 1992.

Referring to the homeworld of the asari race as “New Jersey.”

Numerous timeline errors including references to the supposed involvement of the Systems Alliance in the Iran-Contra Scandal over 160 years prior to the Alliance’s actual founding, statements that the first military use of mass effect field technology by humans occurred during the Franco-Prussian War, and the book’s opening narration describing the events of the story as taking place “between the years when the oceans drank Atlantis and the gleaming cities, and the years of the rise of the Sons of Aryas.”

Describing game glitches as if they were actual in-universe events, such as a battle where a krogan warrior gets “stuck in the wall.”

Inaccurate descriptions of mass effect fields, which are actually a technology that can temporarily increase or decrease the mass of matter within a given area by running electric current through an exotic substance called Element Zero, as “an energy field created by all living things” that “surrounds us and penetrates us” and “binds the galaxy together.”

Apparent confusions about quarian naming conventions, as evidenced by the presence of quarian characters named “Rael’Koris vas Greeter nar T.G.I. Friday’s” and “Tali’Vael vas Center Field nar White Sox.”

Dialogue inconsistent with previous portrayals of several alien races, such as giving all batarians heavy Scottish accents and depicting turians routinely addressing each other as “broheim.”

The (completely unauthorized by Konami) appearance of Revolver Ocelot, who originally appears as an agent of Cerberus but is later revealed to be a double-agent working for a heretofore unknown organization called “the Minutemen” that has secretly ruled the human race since the end of the Second World War.

Widespread use of coins made of the highly radioactive isotope polonium-210 as currency by criminal enterprises trying to avoid using credits. While this does not, strictly speaking, violate existing Mass Effect canon, actual polonium-210 is incredibly toxic and so radioactive that a single gram of it will quickly heat itself to a temperature of 500°C, making its use as a medium of exchange improbable.

A scene in which Conrad Verner successfully petitions the Citadel Council to grant Ambassador Donnel Udina emergency powers and create a clone army.

Referring to the turians, salarians, and asari races as “fightgars,” “smartingtons,” and “sexanoids,” respectively.

Describing the Citadel as “like Deep Space Nine, but way cooler.”

Several chapters of hardcore sex scenes, which have been removed entirely due to their explicit content, noncanonical pairings, and misconceptions about both asari and human physiology.

Incorrectly attributing the characteristically slow, monotone speech patterns of the elcor race- actually the result of the elcor having a naturally cautious, deliberate temperament due to their evolution on a dangerously high-gravity world and a language that expresses emotions and nuance through body language and pheromones rather than tone of voice- to marijuana use.

Chapter 8 in its entirety, which appears to be simply a series of excerpts from To Kill a Mockingbird with all instances of the name “Atticus” replaced with “Saren.”

We attempted to contact Bioware to inquire about other notable errors in the book that were not included in the press release, such as calling Element Zero “kryptonite” and the implication in the book’s closing scene that the entire Mass Effect series actually takes place in the imagination of the autistic kid from St. Elsewhere, but have received no comment from Bioware as of this time.

Family Research Council Becomes Aware of Video Games, Warns Everyone

Those are some heterosexual looking individuals right there.

In an incredibly shocking turn of events, a political group populated by people who have never touched a video game is taking action against video games. Recently the conservative Christian lobbying group known as the Family Research Council came across some information about same-sex relationship options in Bioware’s MMORPG Star Wars: The Old Republic. Apparently surprised by this news, FRC president Tony Perkins took to the airwaves to warn others about this revelation, encouraging them to go on the internet and complain (which we all know is the most effective way to take political action).

We contacted BioWare CEO Ray Muzyka via email for his comments on the matter. He replied by saying “whatevs” followed by picture of a dog cleaning his own genitals. Mr. Muzyka’s nonchalance may be due to the fact that BioWare has already had to deal with conservative Christian groups complaining about the homosexual relationship options in Baldur’s Gate II, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic, Jade Empire, Mass Effect, Dragon Age: Origins, Mass Effect 2, Dragon Age II, and preemptive complaining about Mass Effect 3 and Dragon Age III. Some gamers have gone so far as to accuse the FRC of being twelve years behind the times, or of being “total noobs.”

Undaunted by these accusations (or oblivious to them), the Council has issued more warnings about content in video games that they are opposed to. They began by announcing to parents everywhere that they should not purchase Grand Theft Auto games for their children due to their violent and sexual content.

“In the video game called Grand Theft Auto III, you can hire a prostitute to have sex with in your stolen car,” said Perkins, “The car then rocks back and forth in the most graphic depiction of sex that I’ve ever seen in a video game. After which, you can then murder the prostitute and take back the money you paid her! This game sounds so anti-family values, I would bet my Bible that the company that created this game has gone bankrupt, and no one will ever make a Grand Theft Auto game again.”

The FRC has also issued warnings about the “pro-terrorist content” of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare, the “sniper training” in Halo, the blood and gore in Mortal Kombat, the pornography in Duke Nukem, and the depiction of rape in Custer’s Revenge.

Kuribo’s Shoes was able to get Mr. Perkins to agree to a brief interview about their anti-video game campaign:

Kuribo’s Shoes: Thank you for agreeing to speak with me, Tony.

Tony Perkins: My pleasure. It’s good to see young people who are willing to speak out against the despicable content found in these video games.

KS: Right, that’s what we do. First question: Have you guys been living in a cave?

TP: If you mean the cave that our Lord Jesus was placed in after he was crucified, and from which he rose from the dead after three days, then yes.

KS: Allow me to rephrase that. Have you guys been living under a rock?

TP: If you mean the rock that our Lord Jesus rolled away from the entrance of the cave in which he was placed after he was crucified, and from which he-“

KS: This interview is over.

So far, the Family Research Council has received very little attention over their campaign to warn people about video game controversies that everyone has already known about for years. I’m not sure how I even heard about it. In fact, I don’t know why I’m writing about it at all. This article is over.

Kuribo’s Shoes: Dedicated to bringing you the best tenuously-if-at-all-connected-to-gaming news on the Internet

Popular gaming site Kotaku recently announced the creation of “Kotaku Core,” a separate feed on their sites that will contain only the blog’s specifically game related news and leave out the main site’s posts on gaming culture more generally.

We at Kuribo’s Shoes are saddened by this dilution of Kotaku’s unique vision, one which threatens to deprive thousands of readers of essential content like news stories about Japanese people doing non-gaming things while in the general vicinity of an arcade, reposts from Alec Baldwin’s Twitter feed, and Tim Rogers’ almost superhuman ability to say in ten thousand words what most people would say in two hundred if they thought it was worth saying at all. Thus, we are very proud to announce the birth of Kuribo’s Shoes Periphery, your ultimate source for all things very, very tenuously connected with video games. We’ll be bringing you essential content like:

My cat Midnight, less than 20 feet from my PlayStation 3 (not pictured).

Pictures of our pets on, near, or in the same room as a video game or gaming paraphernalia.

My magisterial 32,000 word magnum opus, “I Once Went to Blockbuster Video and Wanted to Rent Ogre Battle but Couldn’t Because it Wasn’t In.”

Pictures of large-breasted women using smart phones.

Transcripts of my conversations with the waitress at my local bar who kind of looks like the chick with glasses from Lost Odyssey.

Musings on how Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes had hair that sort of resembled Cloud Strife’s.

Mundane news on municipal government in rural Hungary, some of it taking place less than 100 miles from where Crytek Budapest made Crysis: Warhead.

Essential insights into game theory from the abstract’s of the latest articles in prestigious journals like the International Journal of Game Theory and Games and Economic Behavior, as well as excerpts from the works of the field’s founder, brilliant mathematician, polymath, pioneering contributor to fields ranging from computer science to economics to quantum physics, and guy who can’t sue us because he’s dead John von Neumann. Game theory is a discipline based on mathematical modeling of strategic interactions between decision-makers commonly used in fields such as economics and international politics and has nothing to do with video games whatsoever. It does, however, contain the word “game,” so it qualifies.

A new recurring feature recounting memories of times members of our staff pleasured themselves while watching Captain N: The Game Master, The Super Mario Bros. Super Show, and other game-based animated shows.

Pictures of large-breasted women sitting or standing in the vicinity of people using smart phones.

The most accurate, up-to-date info on references to games and electronic devices in Miley Cyrus’ Twitter feed.

Reviews of episodes of old sitcoms where people played video games.

Nobel laureate and Chapman University Professor of Economics... or former Spetsnaz commando, master gunman, and ruthlessly deadly international secret agent? You decide.

Hard-hitting commentary on subjects that happen to have the same or similar names as video games or game characters, including but not limited to: the Sonic Drive-In restaurant chain, the acting of Saved by the Bell star Mario Lopez, the novels of Zelda Fitzgerald, what real Master Chief Petty Officers in the U.S. Navy do, the career of Minnesota Twins center fielder Kirby Puckett, Luigi’s Pizza and Fun Center in Aurora, Illinois, how the machining process to manufacture gears works, a detailed episode-by episode analysis of the character Linc Hayes on The Mod Squad, and more. Plus, a special feature on 2002 Nobel Economics Prize recipient Vernon Smith, who looks sort of like Revolver Ocelot.

Pictures of large-breasted women sitting or standing in the vicinity of people using conventional cell phones.

And much, much more, coming soon to Kuribo’s Shoes Periphery!

Kuribo’s Shoes: The Internet’s only website

[...]

New Twisted Metal Game to Break Barriers in Video Game Violence

New details revealed about the upcoming Twisted Metal game have illustrated just how gut-wrenchingly violent the game will be. Early screenshots depict a violence so horrific that only the most hardened criminals will be left unscarred by the scenes of carnage. This game will make mothers everywhere rush out to buy children Grand Theft Auto IV in a desperate attempt to distract their kids enough that they will never catch a glimpse of Twisted Metal.

The leader of Focus on the Family was unwilling to be interviewed and reluctant to be photographed.

Twisted Metal developer Eat Sleep Play isn’t just ramping up the gore and the quality of the blood decals. They’re revolutionizing video game violence as we know it. According to the latest news, Eat Sleep Play has hired a number of people (whose citizenship has yet to be confirmed by our research department) to drive around residential neighborhoods with poor fencing. Every time a player runs over a puppy one thousand times in the game, an Eat Sleep Play employee will run down an actual puppy.

Not surprisingly, PETA is up in arms about this announcement. The animal rights organization has vowed to boycott all games made by Eat Sleep Play. However, since everyone knows that all vegans do is chop vegetables and talk about how everyone should be vegan, the threat has gone generally unnoticed by the gaming industry.

Eat Sleep Play is also introducing intellectual violence into the newest Twisted Metal. In this game, players will earn bonus points by burning books. Every time a player burns their hundredth published document, an employee of the company will burn an actual book. This has of course upset the literary community. To balance things out, Eat Sleep Play has promised a similar feature wherein for every hundredth time a player burns down a church, an employee will pee in some holy water. This has of course enraged the Christian community, but this isn’t anything new to the creators of the Twisted Metal series.

In response to outrage from all sides, the U.S. government is taking preliminary action to prevent this game from reaching the general public. President Obama has deployed troops to surround the Eat Sleep Play office building, but so far no employees have been captured. Most of them were already outside of the office practicing running over puppies or peeing in holy water. The others, anticipating this reaction, have barricaded themselves inside the building with a large supply of Gatorade and Chinese food and are continuing development.

U.S. Vice President Joe Biden had this to say about the standoff:

“As the leaders of this great nation, it is our duty to protect our citizens from themselves. We may not be able to stop those dorks from making the game, but by God that abomination will never be sold in stores. I for one do not want our children to be exposed to this kind of violent content, and I also do not want to be blessed with some werido’s pee.”

So far there has been no word from the Eat Sleep Play developers, but they have released an animated GIF of a priest peeing on Joe Biden. The U.S. military has responded by posting troops outside every GameStop, EB Games, Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, Kmart, and Sears store in America. Unfortunately, there weren’t actually enough soldiers to cover the many thousands of stores, but the government was able to convince the members of Focus on the Family to help out by standing outside of these locations with shotguns.

No member of the U.S. government has yet mentioned what they will do if Eat Sleep Play decides to release the game digitally. It’s the general opinion of the gaming community that this is because the members of the U.S. government don’t understand that releasing a game digitally is possible, because they’re old.

Because of this, Twisted Metal fans are generally unconcerned about this spectacle, but nonetheless have thrown their support behind the Eat Sleep Play team—even going so far as to promise not to pirate the digital release of the game. Some have launched a campaign wherein they take pictures of PETA members, Focus on the Family leaders, and government officials and create Photoshop images of Sweet Tooth, Dollface, and other beloved Twisted Metal characters murdering them. The fans have been emailing these images to the Eat Sleep Play team in order to keep their spirits up. To show their gratitude, the developers have released an animated GIF of Joe Biden peeing on Jack Thompson.

It doesn’t look like any of these challenges has slowed development of the new Twisted Metal. In fact, the isolation from any kind of distraction seems to have sped up the process and may lead to even more violent innovations. Only time will tell what other kinds of animals and religious peoples will be affected by the release of this game.

KS EXCLUSIVE: Irrational’s Ken Levine announces that he’s not the guy who played Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs

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N-Control apologizes for their marketing disaster, we apologize for ours

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2K Games President says XCOM: Enemy Unknown was inspired by “love of turn-based strategy,” not fear of bloodthirsty strategy fans

Long-time fans of classic turn-based strategy game X-COM, disappointed by the revelation that 2K Games’ upcoming game XCOM would be a tactical first-person shooter, received very welcome news with the recent announcement that 2K subsidiary Firaxis Games would be releasing its own XCOM game, XCOM: Enemy Unknown, that would be truer to the franchise’s strategy roots and have more in common with the original game beyond “there’s aliens in it and you shoot them.” In an announcement to the press concerning the new game, 2K Games president Christoph Hartmann said:

“We at 2K Games are very proud to be the publishers of Firaxis his upcoming title XCOM: Enemy Unknown. The decision to create a traditional XCOM strategy game alongside 2K’s upcoming first-person shooter reboot of the franchise was made due to our respect for the original and our belief that the XCOM universe can support many types of gameplay, and not because of 2K’s supposed capitulation to an alleged campaign of terrorism and intimidation waged by one or more organizations of militant turn-based strategy aficionados who may or may not have coalesced and decided to abandon peaceful methods in favor of violence in the aftermath of our announcement that our new XCOM game would be a shooter.”

However, some sources within take to indicate that the company’s decision to publish an XCOM strategy game from its subsidiary Firaxis was not made entirely by choice.

“Those old-school strategy fans are fucking animals,” said an anonymous source within 2K. “Less than twelve hours after the news about our XCOM action game broke, 2K’s United Kingdom branch office was in flames and we were getting letters written in human blood from a group calling itself the ‘People’s Revolutionary X-COM Resistance Cadre’ demanding the release of what they called ‘a purified X-COM unsullied by the hegemony of Western Late Capitalist bourgeois Halo players.’ We told the press it was a gas leak.”

The next few months, according to this source, saw a steady escalation of the PRXCOMRC’s efforts, which would include threatening letters and phone calls, arson, assassinations, leaving the mangled carcasses of vivisected farm animals accompanied by signs bearing cryptic slogans such as “SECTOID AUTOPSY” in front of the homes of 2K executives, and a relentless campaign  of hostile, poorly spelled comments and systematic down-voting on GameTrailers.com.

Image captured by security cameras at 7:43 PM, April 23rd 2010, at 2K Games headquarters in Novato, California, 9 days after Christoph Hartmann's press release announcing that in the new XCOM "Players will explore the world of XCOM from an immersive new perspective"

After a series of unsuccessful attempts at reprisal, 2K’s management capitulated, according to this source, resulting in 2K agreeing to the militant group’s demands at a secret summit held at Camp David in October of 2011. Our source added, “Negotiations nearly broke down at the last minute when a militant splinter group of PRXCOMRC, which was called the Popular Resistance X-COM Revolutionary Collective- so they also called themselves the ‘PRXCOMRC’,and you can imagine what a pain in the ass that was- announced that calling the game ‘XCOM‘ was unacceptable and demanded that the original hyphen be restored. Then a radical faction of the British wing of that group demanded that the original British title UFO: Enemy Unknown be used instead… God, it was a real mess.”

However, Hartmann has vehemently denied these allegations, saying, “Nonsense. 2K Games does not negotiate with terrorists. Our decision to publish a second, strategy-focused XCOM game has nothing to do with anything involving terrorist bombings, the severed digits and/or heads of of hostages being mailed to 2K headquarters, proxy wars waged by armies of bloodthirsty Maoist guerillas, or daring late-night raids on 2K headquarters by a band of renegade Russian Spetsnaz commandos lead by a former assassin for Israeli intelligence who faked his own death in 2003 to become the deadly soldier of fortune known only as ‘the Golden Jackal.’ It’s all about our love of turn-based strategy.”

Big game companies stop backing SOPA, Fascism, possibly Satan

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“Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched

Uncanny.

Following the emergence of the “Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul” campaign started by Dungeoneers lead developer Alex Beltramo, Newt Gingrich’s dorkier supporters have started a similar program on World of Warcraft.

The “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign will give a dollar to support Gingrich’s nomination efforts every time a Horde player ventures into Alliance territory and kills a Night Elf. Those dollars will be used to pay young men to pose as female cyber-prostitutes, who will charge players gold for their services, and will sell the gold for real money which will be used to fund the Gingrich campaign.

According to the minds behind the campaign, Night Elves were chosen as the target for political reasons.

“Night Elves are gay, as made clear by Mr. Fisher. And according to Newt Gingrich, having openly gay people in a military organization is dangerous because it makes some people uncomfortable. Well, Night Elves make us uncomfortable while we’re playing World of Warcraft, which has the word ‘war’ in it. Therefore, Night Elves are dangerous and need to be eliminated.”

One of the first players to kill a Night Elf in the name of the Republican candidate, a Troll named NewtLover43, had this to say about the campaign:

“Gay people choose to be gay, and they choose to be Night Elves. Since Night Elves are the gay race, the gay people who choose to play as them are openly gay in service to the Alliance. That makes me very uncomfortable. That’s why I kill every Night Elf I see.”

One of the many who claim to have come up with the idea for the campaign first agreed to an online interview in Orgrimmar wherein he explained the reasons for their support of the Republican nomination candidate.

“We support Newt Gingrich because he consistently and honestly adheres to America’s core principles. These include never taxing the rich, letting kids pray in schools, keeping out the Mexicans, defeating socialism, cutting off those lazy welfare queens, torturing terrorists, and, most importantly, keeping the gays from getting married. We feel that Gingrich embodies the virtues of American patriotism and strong family values.”

When asked how Gingrich’s divorce and general abandonment of his cancer-ridden wife was an example of family values, the interviewee replied by saying “STFU NOOB” and then reporting me for trolling.

The campaign for Gingrich’s nomination denies having any involvement in the fundraising efforts on World of Warcraft. However, the dedicated team of researchers here at Kuribo’s Shoes have discovered that Gingrich does indeed have a World of Warcraft character connected to the movement. The character is a level 85 Orc warrior with the name NewtRulez69. The former speaker rides a grand ice mammoth into battle, and some people (who may or may not include our researchers) say that he chose this mount because it has an uncanny resemblance to Gingrich himself. He is the head of a raiding guild called “Presidents of Azeroth” which makes regular raids against the Alliance, particularly against areas frequented by Night Elves. It is also rumored that he married a Blood Elf in-game, but divorced her while she was struggling to recover from a vicious hacking that left her completely without epic gear.

It appears that NewtRulez69 has connections to several Chinese gold miners who have been funneling gold to the guild which is running the campaign. It’s rumored that Gingrich is writing off the pitiful wages he’s paying these Chinese players as a business-related tax credit.

So far these Gingrich fans have raised over $10,000. One victim of the campaign offered his opinion about their efforts: “They can kill all of us a thousand times. Nothing’s going to get that mammoth elected president.” Another Night Elf player responded by releasing a video of dozens of male Night Elves dancing with each other over the corpses of Orcs to a user-created song entitled “Gay People Choose to Be Gay as Much as You Choose to Be Celibate.”

Despite these criticisms, the “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign is going strong. However, it’s expected that the funds raised by this effort will be insignificant compared to the millions of dollars in bribes given to Gingrich by giant malevolent corporations.

Update: It appears that the IRS is filing charges against Newt Gingrich for tax violations related to his financial activity in World of Warcraft. Facing increasing hostility and pressure from his raiding guild, Gingrich has announced his resignation as guild leader, saying that “I’m willing to lead but I’m not willing to preside over people who are total n00bs.”

3DS Bundle Includes Migraine Pills, Free Laser Surgery

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GameStop announces upgrades to its automated phone notifications system, rescinds threats of Biblical plagues

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MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT THING: December 2011 State of The Shoes

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2011 VGAs air, millions leave country out of embarrassment

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2011 Spike Video Game Awards winners no one cared about enough to televise announced

With the recent announcement of the big winners of the 2011 Spike Video Game Awards, it’s all too easy to forget that, much like the technical awards at the Oscars, there are numerous Spike awards that are not presented at the main ceremony.

Yet, while these awards may carry less prestige than those presented on national television by D-list celebrities who may or may not have some sort of actual connection to video games, the artistic and technological achievements they honor are no less important to the world of gaming and deserve recognition extending far beyond the untelevised ceremony hosted by a former lighting technician for the Super Mario Bros. Super Show and the guy who did the voice-overs for the instructional VHS tape that came with the Sega Activator in the tool shed of Bobby Kotick’s unfinished summer home at which they were originally presented.

Thus, to honor these contributors to the world of gaming, Kuribo’s Shoes is proud to present this list of the 2011 Spike Video Game Awards winners that no one cared about enough to publicize.

Best Performance-Enhancing Drug Use Simulator

The Witcher 2: Assassins of Kings (PC)

Honorable Mention: Gears of War 3 (Xbox 360)

Best Game That Was Accidentally Named After a Military-Themed Porno Movie Due to a Packaging Manufacturer’s Error

Hard Corps: Uprising (Xbox360, PS3)

Michael Richards Foundation Award for Racial Sensitivity in Popular Culture

Deus Ex: Human Revolution, for its use of the character Letitia to provide a subtle, nuanced exploration of the lives of African-Americans in 21st-century Detroit (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Best Game That Sounds Like a Store Next to the Food Court at the Mall

World of Tanks (PC)

Green Gamer Award for Outstanding Advances in Environmental Responsibility by Stapling 3 Business cards Together and Trying to Pass it Off as a “Manual”

F.E.A.R. 3 (PC, PlayStation 3, Xbox 360)

Best Game That Was Clearly Thought Up at 3 AM By People Sitting in a Huge Cloud of Marijuana Smoke

Hyperdimenison Neptunia, NIS America’s epic RPG saga about a war between four rival goddesses that are allegorical representations of different video game systems. (PS3)

Honorable Mention: Magicka Vietnam (PC)

Sheer Fucking Chutzpah

Nintendo, for once again releasing two full-priced Pokémon titles that are essentially the same game.

Most Subtly Unfortunate Unintended Historical Association in Gaming

Nintendo, for calling those two Pokémon games Pokémon White Version and Pokémon Black Version and populating each of them with equal groups of Pokémon who do not appear together and can be found only in their separate color-coded domains.

Most Amusing Game Title to Smutty-Minded 12 Year-Olds

Operation Flashpoint: Red River (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Honorable Mention: The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim (PC, PS3, Xbox 360) 

Best Multiplatform Action Game Featuring Mark Hamill as the Joker

Batman: Arkham City (PC, PS3, Xbox 360)

Best Game Where You Can Beat a World-Devouring God Older Than the Cosmos Itself to Death With a Lead Pipe

Marvel vs. Capcom 3: The Fate of Two Worlds (PS3, Xbox 360)

Kuribo’s Shoes extends its warmest congratulations to all of this year’s winners.

Newest PSN User Agreements Update Prevents Player Complaints

When questioned about the large bag of cash in his possession, former Judge Rain declared a "money fight."

In the past few months, major electronics companies have been coming out with updated user agreements that contain sections which prohibit players from filing class-action lawsuits. Microsoft recently released an update which declares that any dispute that a user may have with their gaming division may only be settled through a private out-of-court arbitration. Basically, this means that any suit will be heard by a retired judge who is paid a lot more money than an actual judge and isn’t in any way obligated to be sympathetic with the little guy getting screwed by big corporations. This announcement comes less than three months after Sony put out a Terms of Service update with similar wording and which creates the same effect.

Eager to stay ahead of the game, Sony Computer Entertainment just released a new update which requires people who want to use the PlayStation Network to accept their new terms. These Terms of Service state that users of the PlayStation 3, PSP, and other Sony products are no longer allowed to complain about anything related to the company. Should any person be found to have expressed complaint about any licensed Sony product, whether it be in an online game, on Facebook, on a public bathroom wall, or in an article about the latest PSN Terms of Service update, that person will be in violation of the user agreements and will be barred from playing any games on a Sony platform. Yes, this includes Skyrim.

The previous PSN Terms of Service update, which disallowed class-action suits against Sony, was thought to be in response to the negative reaction of many members of PSN to the halt in online services and compromise in their security following the hacking of the network. The newest update is thought to be in response to the negative reaction to the disallowance of PlayStation product owners to file a lawsuit against Sony that would be heard by an actual judge and jury.

Responding to the flood of criticism following the release of these new user agreements, Sony Computer Entertainment America CEO Jack Tretton issued the following statement:

“We at SCEA realize that we have disappointed many of our loyal fans and users in the wake of the recent hacking of the PlayStation Network, and we have listened to your complaints about the resulting changes in the PSN user agreements. Fortunately, with the release of these updated agreements, we won’t have to listen to them anymore.”

A group of PSN users have already tried to sue Sony over the new user agreements, but the group lost in the private, out-of-court arbitration. The retired judge who served as arbiter, former Judge Mack N. Rain, had this to say:

“Sony effectively argued their position. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to make a large deposit.”

Kuribo’s Shoes was able to contact the leader of the group who attempted to sue Sony. The gamer, who prefers to remain unnamed, based his argument on the first amendment of the U.S. constitution, saying that free speech is a basic right.

“I would do anything to protect my right of free speech! I don’t need Sony. I’ll throw my PlayStation 3 right out the window! Oh God, I can’t take it anymore. I take it back! I’ll do anything, just let me play Skyrim again!”

Because the lawsuit against Sony failed, other gaming companies, including Microsoft and Electronic Arts, have already written very similar user agreements which are expected to be put into effect in the near future. Sony, meanwhile, has already issued a press release pointing out that SCE now has the highest customer satisfaction of any gaming company by far.

Their opponents thoroughly crushed, Sony is already in the process of drafting a new set of user agreements. It’s rumored that these Terms of Service will state that in order to use any Sony products, users must take time out of their day every hour on the hour to praise the company for its greatness. Additionally, any journalist who publishes an article relating to Sony must not only refrain from criticism, but must close the article by declaring that Sony Computer Entertainment is the greatest gaming company of all time. This new update is expected to be released at any second.

In conclusion, Sony is right to make these changes to the user agreements, and has made all the right decisions and never made any mistakes. Sony Computer Entertainment is the greatest gaming company of all time. All hail Sony!

Nintendo announces new glitch that allows you to enjoy Skyward Sword from the very beginning

After receiving various reports from frustrated users, Nintendo has confirmed the existence of a game-ending bug in The Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword. Apparently, the glitch will manifest if you complete some serious of arbitrary tasks in an incorrectly arbitrary order, and will then prevent certain in-game events from occurring properly, rendering the game unplayable. Sorry if we’re a little vague on the details. We’re still playing Skyrim over here, cause Nintendo games are for babies.

Anyway, what should be a PR headache for the company, especially after the lukewarm response to its 3DS release and catastrophically falling profits (Nintendo president Satoru Iwata could only afford one solid gold toilet this year), has now been spun into a back-of-the-box feature.

“We’re actually very proud of the fans for discovering Skyward Sword’s secret ‘New Game Plus Minus Plus’ mode,” says Reggie Fils-Aime, Nintendo’s VP of kicking ass and chewing bubblegum (though he is presently out of bubblegum). “We hoped people would never find it, but our fans are too smart for that. Those god damn nerds found it right away!”

Reggie, who totally is okay with us calling him that cause we’re bros, continued by explaining the why the mode was given the unusual name of “New Game Plus Minus Plus.” He explained that the New Game Plus is a long-standing tradition in video games, usually found in RPGs. The mode allows you to play the game over again, while still keeping all of the weapons or experience points you had accumulated in your initial playthrough. NGPMP operates in a very similar fashion, only that it requires you to start a new game without any of the “plus.” So it’s a New Game Plus without the Plus, or New Game Plus Minus Plus. It’s pretty clever…in a stupid, not clever way, but what the name essentially means is that you have to get to start Skyward Sword over again from the very beginning, without any of the progress you had made.

“Our competitors would probably charge extra to make you download the NGPMP mode, but Nintendo isn’t like that. We’re giving you great features like this for free, without any online infrastructure in place to help us fix it — I mean…not that. We don’t need to fix it. We did it on purpose!” For a moment, and only a moment, Reggie began to look flustered.  

Stores are being instructed to label all copies of Skyward Sword with a sticker promoting its secret new mode, with some even taking it as a cue that the game is now more valuable, and thus, should cost more. One Gamestop manager we spoke to said he was unfamiliar with some game about a girl named Zelda, but that we should probably pick up a few strategy guides for it and a complimentary $15 subscription to Game Informer while we were there.

Next thing we knew our wallets were gone and the trunk of the car was full of DJ Heroes. Curse you, Gamestop!

American Release of Xenoblade Chronicles Opens the Way for Flood of Stupid Petitions

Ha ha, you wish.

As many Nintendo fans are aware, JRPG lovers and ridiculously-huge-sword lovers alike have been petitioning the compnay for months to bring Monolith Soft’s Xenoblade Chronicles to America. The game was released in Japan in June of 2010 and the following summer in Europe and Australia. Nintendo’s decision to withhold a North American release of the game baffled and frustrated many Americans, who believe themselves to have demonstrated a willingness to buy any weird, incomprehensible, cut scene-heavy piece of crap that comes out of Japan.

Nintendo has so far failed to offer a satisfying explanation for their sudden stinginess, but the members of “Operation Rainfall,” which has been petitioning Nintendo relentlessly on the subject, have offered many of their own theories. Some suspect that this is just a clever marketing ploy. Others have speculated that this is yet another attempt by the Japanese to hide the fact that they love Americans by pretending that they hate Americans. One theorized that it’s because Nintendo of America is staffed by “A bunch of ****ing ***** *** ****ers.”

But now Nintendo has changed their mind. Yes, for the first time ever, an online petition has worked.

The fact that Nintendo has given in to petitioners has opened up a floodgate of electronic packets with signatures. Like an inexperienced parent, Nintendo has given its fans the message that a lot of whining will be rewarded. As a result, hundreds of similar petitions have been created on message boards and Facebook pages. The scope of the demands range from piffle to impossible, but they all seem to be pursued with equal fervor. The top ten most popular petitions are as follows:

10. Create a Game That Stars Luigi Where He isn’t Portrayed as a Bumbling Coward

9. Free the Pikmin

8. Free Shigeru Miyamoto

7. Compensate Us for Laser Surgery on Our Other Eye

6. Give Donkey Kong Some Pants

5. If You Can’t Make a Decent Mario Party Game, Don’t Make One at All

4. Dignity for Yoshi

3. Seriously, What is the Deal with Birdo?

2. If You Make One More Pigeon-Related Pokemon, We’re Not Buying Anymore Pokemon Games.

1. Show us Samus’ Boobs

Though the majority of these petitions have been targeting Nintendo, there have been a substantial increase in petitions aimed toward other gaming companies. In particular, Square Enix has been receiving a lot of petition-related heat. By far the most popular topic of these involves Kingdom Hearts 3. The Kingdom Hearts franchise has become notorious for putting off making the main games of the series to create sequels, prequels, and games that happen a same time as other games but in a different place/world/dimension. As a result, Kingdom Hearts 3 hasn’t even begun development. So far there are around 400 petitions titled “Make Kingdom Hearts 3” with an addition 100 titled “Please, for the Love of God, Make Kingdom Hearts 3.”

There are also petitions for remastered versions of almost every Final Fantasy game, including the most recent one. Curiously, this excludes Final Fantasy IX. The only petition related to that game is titled “Tell Us What the Gender is of that Fat Frog Person Thing.”

Microsoft has also been having petition problems. The most popular being “Stop Peter Molyneux.” Though it doesn’t include any specifics about what they want Molyneux to stop, it is swiftly gaining momentum. Additionally, there are a large number of Halo-related petitions, however most of them are requests to ban a certain user or are simply entitled some variation of “Halo is Gay.”

So far there is no sign of the flood of petitions slowing, and Nintendo has not issued any response to the millions of fan who have signed. It’s unclear whether Nintendo is ignoring their fans in an attempt to regain control, but a petition has already been started which demands that the company announce whether they will be responding to any more petitions or if they are going to ignore them all to attempt to regain control. Be sure to check back to Kuribo’s Shoes for updates on Nintendo’s response.

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