The official Kuribo’s Shoes review scale
These days, review scores are more important than ever. Today’s gamer-on-the-go doesn’t have time in between his Facebooking and Twittering and whatnot to read a long and boring review. They want to scroll down to the bottom of the page as fast as they can just to see what score a game got. That way, if it’s a 9 or 10 they can go buy it, and if it’s anything less, they can comment on how terrible the review was.
Game developers and publishers also use review scores and aggregator sites like Metacritic to determine whether or not sequels get made, or if a studio will be closed down and all of its employees forced out to live on the streets.
Now, since review scores are so important, we thought it would be a good idea to take some time and explain how Kuribo’s Shoes’ review scale will work. Some sites go by letter grades, some use a 5 or 10 point scale, and some even use the super-accurate hundred point scale (because, obviously, an 89 game is way different from an 88 or 90 game).
We’ve decided to go with something unique. It’s a cross between a 5 point scale and a 10 point scale, in that it uses 5 numbers between 1 and 10. It might seem confusing, so we’ve included explanations as to what each grade actually means. Also, each number indicates how many shoes a game is worth. It makes sense…just give it a few minutes to sink in.
Reviewing games for Kuribo’s Shoes is a team effort! That’s me on the…ugh, these people all look stupid. I’m none of them.
LOWEST
5 Shoes – This is the worst game ever. It’s even more terrible than Halo or Killzone or Call of Duty (whichever one of those you think is terrible, maybe all of them)
10 Shoes – Our second worst rating. If a game receives a 10, it means we were paid off by someone to give it a good review. Don’t trust it, and make sure to let us know you don’t trust it in the comments.
7 Shoes – A perfectly average game. Something to be (sort of) proud of, but not something you should buy. Maybe pirate it, just to try it out?
8 Shoes – Not quite a high-intensity thrill ride, but fans of the genre will find something to enjoy.
9 Shoes- This is the score you want. It’s not flashy, it’s not in-your-face, it’s just there.
HIGHEST
There are also a few specific rules to keep in mind: first party Nintendo games always get a 10. Rockstar games always get a 10. All indie games get a 9, because they’re usually not very good, but we still want to establish ourselves as “cool” game reviewers, so we pretend to like them. Lego Back To The Future, on its eventual release, will receive an A+ 100 Shoes.
Everyone should bookmark this page now, so when we start reviewing the free games that publishers send us (we only review free games, because we’re important), you’ll be able to tell what our overly complicated scoring system really means.
Unless you work for Metacritic, in which case you should ignore any explanation we’ve offered as to the reasoning behind our scoring system (just like you do for everyone else…I mean really, an “A” at 1up = 100%? Really? Do you not understand how letter grades work, Metacritic?).
And if any publishers are reading this, we are PRO-PAYOLA. We can guarantee your game a score of 10 Shoes in exchange for a free copy of it/free trip to some exotic location/free anything else. We’re very accommodating here at Kuribo’s Shoes!
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6 Comments to “The official Kuribo’s Shoes review scale”
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New breakthroughs in computer science, quantum mechanics may make maximum-settings Crysis possible within our lifetimes
6 Comments to “The official Kuribo’s Shoes review scale”
Leave a Comment
Sounds fair enough.
Congratulations! You have submitted our very first comment ever!
Not only will you receive maximum bragging rights when Kuribo’s Shoes overtakes Facebook in site traffic, we will also email you a certificate marking this achievement. Only $9.95 for shipping and handling!
Are you excited? If not, imagine confetti in front of you.
Ha, lol, a scale based on the idea that corporate giants payout to get high scores, further perpetuating the idea that most of any rating system is based on morale. lol
Your scale is very biased, you are clearly a huge ColecoVision fanboy.
Sincerely,
An Lunatic
Is it me, or is this website just plain silly? Hmmm… *ponders*
It’s just you…obviously.
We’re as serious as The Happening here at Kuribo’s Shoes.