The 14th Annual Kuribo’s Shoe Drive!
Friends, it’s that time of the year again. The time when we look over our lives of plenty and resolve to help our less fortunate, unshoed neighbors by collecting generous donations of new or slightly used or significantly used shoes to distribute to barefoot children across the world.
Over the past 13 years we are proud to say that we have shoed an astonishing number of children and horses. So many, in fact, that we did it. We solved it. Everyone has shoes now. The results from our latest poll prove that everyone in the world now has shoes.
In light of this spectacular accomplishment, and in lieu of championing some other world-changing cause, this year’s Shoe Drive is going to be a little bit different. That’s because this year, it’s all about us.
You see, Kuribo’s Shoes has had a few hurdles of late. First and foremost, we admit that neglecting to file any tax paperwork whatsoever has been a monumental oversight. Apparently the IRS likes to take a magnifying glass to charitable organizations to ensure that funds are not being misappropriated, though we’re confident our poll results will prove what needs proving.
Additionally, our gross misunderstanding of the ins and outs of a Ponzi scheme have left our investors fat on the meat from our own table, and that’s not a money metaphor. We spent everything we had on a majestic feast to entice big investors, but the only bites we got were out of the boiled goose and Kobe lollipops.
As a result, you may have noticed a significant amount of performance trouble site-wide, from outages to general sluggishness. This is because we’ve had to rely on free web hosting while we get our financial house in order. Some have suggested that we sell our financial house and just live in our normal house, but that’s silly. Where would we do our finances?
This is where you come in. You have the chance to change the world all over again. Here’s how easy it is:
On the right side of this page you will see a PayPal donation area. Use it. Donate some funds. Done.
Our motto at Kuribo’s Shoes since today has always been “Transparency in Pluribus Unum,” and in living by this creed we would like to show you where your generous donations are going. We have a goal of $300 US, broken down as such:
- $100 will go toward paying for 2 years of paid hosting service. The benefits of this will include drastically increased speed and site uptime, as well as unlimited server-side storage. With this storage space we will be able to create and share a new podcast bringing you the latest and greatest news that no one else is reporting.
- $200 will go toward advertising on the hit advice podcast My Brother, My Brother and Me. If you are living your life without their weekly wisdom, we submit that you are not in fact living. Give this a listen if you don’t believe us.
We believe this is a cause that everyone can get behind, much like that Susan G. Komen thing or that Marty McFly thing, but just in case you need a little incentive, the rewards below will be provided to anyone who donates any amount of money whatsoever.
- Everyone who donates will have their name mentioned in our advertisement on My Brother, My Brother and Me and, if he agrees, Griffin will even include them in his jingle, potentially making it the longest and dullest of his short jingle career.
- Every donator will be invited as a guest on our as-of-yet unlaunched podcast.
- Every donator will be given the chance to write an article for Kuribo’s Shoes and have it published. Even if it’s terrible. Note that we reserve the right to edit for spelling and grammar, and to include a disclaimer to the effect of “yes, we know this is terrible, but they earned it.”
- Finally, every donator will be included in a Friday article with links out to whatever they like, be it their Twitter feed, YouTube page, or erotic Pinky & the Brain fanfiction.
So there you have it. This is your opportunity to make someone’s holiday season. Well, ours, specifically. Make our holiday season. Thank you in advance.
Sincerely,
The Kuribo’s Shoes Staff
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