Skyrim novel released, weighs six thousand pounds
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim came out last week, and as a result the entire world has been temporarily rid of all turmoil and strife. In the few days since its launch, 12 wars have ended, 39 uprisings have died down, 188 skirmishes have dissolved, 600 kerfuffles have been de-kerfuffed, 12,000 divorces have been re-vorced, and an astounding 580,000,000 jobs have been quit, which will actually cause some major economical damage in the future but for now, hey, whatever. It was with a jubilant tone that Iran announced that it will cease all its work in nuclear energy “until the end of time, or until Mahmoud Ahmadinejad does all the Winterhold College quests, whichever comes first.” In keeping with this trend, another tyrant, local outer-Whoville resident The Grinch, has agreed to return Christmas unscathed to the citizens of Whoville, Skyrim‘s release having made his heart increase in size exponentially and thus turning him a much more agreeable person, but also causing all sorts of health problems that will probably lead to his death by the end of the year. He also agreed to halt his own nuclear program, something no one knew he had.
But the game itself wasn’t the only Skyrim-related product released that day: there’s also a novel. You probably didn’t hear about it because it wasn’t properly advertised, but it’s out there, and it was penned by Jeff Jefferson, the legendary video game novelist who is notorious for his attention to detail, always making sure to write down everything that happens in a game as he plays and never editing anything in the final draft. The first entry in his Starcraft book series, for instance, contains the sentence “The base was under attack” over 14,000 times.
Of course, Starcraft is a much shorter game than Skyrim, which can be played for many hundreds of hours without the player even touching the main quest, and we feel this Herculean feat of turning such a game into a book shouldn’t go unnoticed. Therefore we’ve taken the liberty of doing Bethesda the favor of advertising the new novel for them, since they haven’t even put out one ad or mentioned the book in any way, silly Bethesda.
So without further ado:
You’ve played the game, you’ve laughed at others who haven’t played the game, and now you can laugh at people who haven’t read the book based on the game you’ve laughed at others for not having played. Introducing: The Skyrim novel.
Jeff Thunderaxe walked across the plains. He walked and walked. And walked and walked, walked, walked and walked, sprinted, jumped a little, sprinted some more, got tired, walked, crouched, sneaked, felt he was going too slow and stood back up, walked, and then walked. He lifted his head and walked while watching the sky, then he looked down and wondered where his feet were, while walking. Walk walk walk walk walkie walkie walk. OH GOD WOLVES
The New York Times says: “The author leaves nothing out. Thirty pages of chapter 2 are dedicated to the main character trying to solve a puzzle involving a golden claw before finally realizing that he has to examine the claw up close for the answer. Thirty pages. Thirty.”
He stopped. Just beyond a rock outcrop, hulking and majestic, were three mammoths grazing languidly among the grassfield at the base of the mountain. The picture was serene — a testament to the existence of peace even in this most tumultuous of times.
Jeff Thunderaxe leapt onto a boulder and shot one of the mammoths in the butt with an arrow. He shot it again. And again. The mammoth turned around and Jeff shot it in the face. The mammoth roared and Jeff shot it in the mouth (score). Jeff shot the mammoth. Jeff shot the mammoth. Jeff shot it. He shot it again. He shot it. Jeff shot the mammoth. He shot–
“Chapter eight alone is several million words long,” praises the Washington Post. “Most of them are either ‘shot’ or ‘walked.’ We only just finished the whole thing, and we got the advance copy of this book back in 1998. I don’t even know how that works out.”
Some of the shorter chapters can fit on standard bookshelves
Jeff Thunderaxe hopped unto the table with the impetus of a true Dragonborn, whereupon he walked around and kicked over as many cups and bowls as he could.
“Stop that!” cried Alvor, the blacksmith who had been so kind and hospitable as to let him into his home, but Jeff refused.
The Wall Street Journal raves: “Why is the protagonist such an asshole? Are we seriously supposed to root for this guy? And hey, while we’re at it, how come ‘Jeff Thunderaxe’ doesn’t warn anyone about the dragon attack in Helgen immediately after his escape? Instead he goes wandering around, doing little fetch quests and killing chickens for what seems like 20,000 pages until casually mentioning that the world might be ending, which of course begins another 10,000 pages of Jeff eating random things he finds in the wild and doing absolutely nothing to advance the main storyline. And why does the book repeat itself so much? What does ‘respawn’ mean?”
Jeff slashed at the giant’s shins with his steel daggers, but the giant was unfazed, and he lifted his club and smashed Jeff, killing him in one hit.
Jeff respawned near the giants’ encampment. He approached the nearest giant intrepidly, unsheathing his daggers and aiming directly for the shins. Jeff slashed at the giant’s shins with his steel daggers, but the giant was unfazed, and he lifted his club and smashed Jeff, killing him in one hit.
Jeff respawned near the giants’ encampment.
“Excellent!” — The Kuribo’s Shoes Book Revuue with Two U’s
Don’t be the only one not reading the hottest book on the market until The Elder Scrolls VI: Morrowind Again comes out in 2016. Buy it today for only [check website for details] dollars per chapter!
(Bethesda: You can hide the money you owe us for this plug in the usual spot. And after you’re done with that, please tell us where “the usual spot” is because to be honest we’ve never done this before.)
Yesterday:
Supervillain Takes Vice President Hostage, Demands Modern Warfare 3
Tomorrow:
Nation’s boyfriends obsessed with something called “Skyrim”
3 Comments to “Skyrim novel released, weighs six thousand pounds”
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Nation’s boyfriends obsessed with something called “Skyrim”
3 Comments to “Skyrim novel released, weighs six thousand pounds”
Leave a Comment
Kotaku hates you.
Seems stupid and a disgrace.
This is the only place I kind find anything about this. Where can I learn more?