Nation’s boyfriends obsessed with something called “Skyrim”

It was seemed like an average Friday for Becky Stanson of Burbington, Minnesota. Her boyfriend, a local Subway sandwich artist named Harold Macklin, was going to come over and catch up on the most recent season of Top Chef, so Becky could finally clear some space on her DVR.

But Harold never showed up.

“I wasn’t too concerned at first.” said Becky, visibly concerned, “But he wasn’t answering any of my calls. The only clue I had was that weird thing I saw on Twitter that morning.”

The mysterious tweet baffled Becky, even though it only consisted of three words and a nonsensical hash tag:

“Fuck yeah, Skyrim. #infinitedragons”

Adding to her confusion, Becky soon began hearing weirdly similar stories from some of her friends. One in particular, a waitress/aspiring actor named Stephanie Diaz, had actually seen her own boyfriend that morning before he also mysteriously disappeared. She claimed that he had received a package from Amazon that looked like a video game. When she asked him what it was, hoping it would be something fun they could play together, he told her it was “Skyrim time” and that she should probably just go visit her mother by herself. She hasn’t seen him since.

Similar tales as tragic and mysterious as this have been popping up across the country since November 11th. In fact, it seems as though the entire nation’s girlfriends are all being casually brushed off in favor of something called “Skyrim.”

: This is Skyrim. It…doesn’t look that cool…except that dragon and the dude in the armor…I bet they’re about to fight. That’s so cool.

According to our researchers, “Skyrim” is a fantasy video game in which the player creates a hero and then goes on a quest to kill some dragons. Sorry, not “some dragons.” INFINITE DRAGONS. Like, you’ll never kill all of them…and even if you’re tired of killing dragons (as if!) you can go to the College of Winterhold and learn magic, or you could run errands for people and hunt wildlife and pick flowers or explore dungeons and kills trolls and…Wow, this game sounds amazing!

But the nation’s girlfriends just don’t see it: “So you walk around for hours? I don’t get it. What’s the big deal?”

The “big deal” is that there are INFINITE DRAGONS. I mean, you always wanna do stuff, right, nation’s girlfriends? Well, we’re doing stuff. We’re killing INFINITE DRAGONS. Hey, where ya goin? You can turn off the light on you way out, we wanna get the full experience.

What’s that? Yeah, we’ll see ya later. We love you too, Skyrim.

No…No, we said “girlfriends”, not “Skyrim.” We love you, not Skyrim. That’s just silly.

Alright, talk to ya later. Bye!

I love you, Skyrim.