Activision announces new features for Call of Duty Elite: Expanded social functionality, substantial reduction in subliminal brainwashing
The otherwise highly successful release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 has been marred by the ongoing problems with Activision’s new online service, “Call of Duty Elite.” Intended to provide functions such as stat tracking, social networking, and the ability to share gameplay videos for Call of Duty players, with additional content and features for paid subscribers, the service went down on opening day due to what Activision says was an unexpectedly high number of users attempting to log on.
Though basic online multiplayer gameplay remains available, the failure of the much-promoted new service has been a continuing source of embarrassment for Activision as it attempts to correct the problem. Shortly after the company’s announcement that paid Elite subscribers receive a free month of the premium service as compensation, Activision has now announced an additional list of new features for both free and paid Call of Duty Elite users in an attempt to restore goodwill. New features already announced by the company include:
- Once per one-year subscription, premium subscribers will receive a personal home phone call from Activision CEO Bobby Kotick, who will call them a “noob-tube cocksucker bitch” and then hang up while giggling hysterically. Activision has denied rumors that this is actually something Kotick already does for fun anyway and is now simply calling it part of Call of Duty Elite’s “premium content” as a cover.
- Premium subscribers will have an early chance to play the demo of Activision’s upcoming release Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 Special Less Ridiculous Plot That Doesn’t Hinge on Absolutely Nobody Noticing Enough Russian Military Aircraft To Transport Several Entire Army Divisions Crossing the Atlantic Ocean Edition.
"Ma'am, is your refigerator running? It is?"
- Gameplay footage viewed through Elite’s HD Video Sharing feature will no longer contain subliminal messages such as “REMEMBER HATRED HORROR DEATH BATTLEFIELD 3 PAIN DISGUST CONTEMPT BATTLEFIELD 3 REMEMBER” and “SCIENTOLOGY IS THE ANSWER.” Premium subscribers will also have the option of turning off the subliminal “ROBERT KOTICK IS THE KINDEST, BRAVEST, WARMEST, MOST WONDERFUL HUMAN BEING I’VE EVER KNOWN IN MY LIFE” text that appears in every 10th frame during actual online matches, as well.
- All users will have access to the basic version of Activision’s new real-time speech translation technology, which helps keep online multiplayer authentic by automatically converting inappropriately civil, friendly, or sportsmanlike remarks like “buddy,” “good game,” and “hello” into more Call of Duty multiplayer-appropriate equivalents such as “bitch.” Premium subscribers will have the additional ability to customize the translations by selecting their preferred proportions of of insults in different categories such as Racism, Homophobia, Obscenity, Scatology, Leetspeek, Dude Who Keeps Calling Everyone Else “Noobs” Despite the Fact That He’s Getting His Ass Kicked, Incomprehensible Drunk Guy, and Enraged Prepubescent. Premium subscribers will also have early access to a more advanced prototype version of the software capable of handling longer and more complex phrases, such as changing “Good game, man, you got me fair and square” into “I will fuck you to death with that thing Kevin Spacey had in Se7en.”
Additional features are expected to be announced over the next few days.
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