“No Pressing Need for a Dead Island Movie,” Says Marchewka
Less than two months after announcing the development of a film based off of the 2011 zombie shooter Dead Island, Techland head Pawel Marchewka has revealed that the process has come to a halt.
Marchewka appeared nonchalant while breaking the news, stating that, “There’s no pressing need for a Dead Island movie. We don’t have to make it or anything. It’s not like anyone would die without it. It’s not like I spent all the money I made from the game on pornographic cakes. It’s not like anyone is threatening to break my kneecaps. Don’t tell Sean I said that….”
Rumors about the film’s production problems have circulated from the beginning. Sean Daniels, the producer who agreed to finance the film, backed out in less than 72 hours over disputes concerning how Marchewka was using the funds.
“Why would you need fifteen cakes with naked ladies on them in a zombie movie?” Daniels commented, “Fifteen cakes!”
Totally different concept.
A good deal of money was also used to create a dazzling and emotionally-charged trailer in which an adorable little boy is running down a dark hallway, pursued by a hoard of zombies, vampires, mummies, goblins, trolls, Nazis, and mean librarians. Ahead, a man with a rifle stumbles out of a doorway, and upon seeing the hoard, hurries to fire a shot. However, the man trips and ends up accidentally aiming his gun at a nearby kitten just before pulling the trigger. Upon seeing this, the little boy dives in front of the kitten and takes the bullet. The camera then focuses on one of the boy’s wide, innocent eyes as a single tear falls to the floor. The camera then pans out as the hoard falls upon the horrified man and the kitten proceeds to lap up the boy’s blood.
Though the trailer was critically acclaimed, it became clear that it actually had nothing to do with the actual movie, especially considering the fact that it was mostly made before any writing was done or actors were hired. This may have been a contributing factor to Daniels’ decision to leave the project.
Further issues arose when Marchewka had difficulty finding a director who would agree that the zombie craze was not over, and that everyone wasn’t already really tired of it. He was finally able to convince M. Night Shyamalan to direct the film after promising him that no one who worked on the Dead Island movie would make fun of him for “The Happening.” However, an anonymous source has informed Kuribo’s Shoes that Marchewka and Shyamalan have been at each others throats since.
“Shyamalan kept wanting to add these bizarre and really dumb twists into the script. First he wanted the survivors to realize at the end that they were actually the zombies and that the zombies that they had been brutally killing were little puppies,” our source explained, “When we said no to that, he wanted the ending to reveal that the island was actually on an alien planet populated by very friendly creatures who only wanted hugs, and that the American government had released a virus on the planet that made the aliens look like zombies because the president had been turned into an asshole by the dander released by his Labradoodle.”
On top of this, the actor hired to play the lead role, secret Canadian Brendan Fraser, had issues with the way his character was portrayed in the film. Our source claims that Fraser had been enticed into starring in the Dead Island movie with promises that he would play a deep, troubled, and serious man who finds redemption through protecting his fellow survivors from a horrible death. However, it seems that this role was changed to one that was more similar to the character he played in the well-known movie franchise “The Mummy.” When cornered by our dedicated mob of underpaid journalists, Fraser had this to say:
“I ****ing hate ‘The Mummy!’ You heard me!”
The final nail in the coffin for the Dead Island movie was the general apathy facing the project. When asked how he felt about the idea of a film based on the Dead Island games, Deep Silver CEO Dr. Klemens Kundratitz replied, “God, I’m so sick of zombie movies. They’re all the same. Put ‘Dawn of the Dead’ on an island and it’s the same thing. When does the next ‘Twilight’ movie come out?”
Despite the utter failure of the Dead Island film and Marchewka’s financial troubles with Sean Daniels, Techland is looking to the future. On November 3, 2011, the developer registered the title “Dead World,” and appears to be working diligently on the sequel. When polled on their response to the announcement of the new game, 7% of gamers said they were excited, 4% said they don’t care, and 100% demanded to know when Valve is going to make Left 4 Dead 3.
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