The Kuribo’s Shoes Guide to Black Friday
EDITOR’S NOTE: Okay, this post is a little late. We know that. See, our site was down most of last week due to…gremlins…or something, so we weren’t able to post this in time for Black Friday. BUT we thought it was still worthwhile information, so we decided to post it anyway. Who knows, maybe you’ll get a time machine for Christmas and you’ll be able to go back in time to Black Friday. Then you’re gonna be glad you had the Official Kuribo’s Shoes Guide To Black Friday! -Sam Barsanti, Co-President in Chief of Kuribo’s Shoes
Black Friday is this week, either on Friday or Saturday (we always forget), and with all the great games that have come out this season, there’s a good chance you will get killed if you so much as leave your home on whichever day it ends up being. But don’t worry: Your friends at Kuribo’s Shoes have you covered. We understand the importance of staying alive on this unholy day, and more significantly, the importance of calling into work sick so you can save $20 on Babysitting Mama.
What is Black Friday?
Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving, is when you get beat up and trampled in return for UNBELIEVABLE DEALS. How unbelievable? So unbelievable that if we told you about one of them you would be all like, “I don’t believe that at all, sir or ma’am,” and we’d be all like, “It’s true, and hey, call me ‘sir or ma’am’ one more time and see what happens.” The event is the country’s single busiest shopping day, and the only day in which murder is legal in places other than Texas.
Now that you’re sold on the idea of Black Friday, it’s time to look at a few of the places to find the best video game deals. Normally you can just look for shops with blood and teeth littering the ground outside the entrances, but now you won’t have to do that with our handy, possibly dandy guide.
How to start looking for UNBELIEVABLE DEALS
The tricky part for many shoppers is where to go in search of said unbelievable deals on games. McDonald’s has no games, so going there would prove fruitless. What about Home Depot? No such luck.
By now you’re probably thinking that this is just too hard and you’re just going to stay home. But here’s a good rule of thumb: a store has to carry video games to be able to offer deals on them. Places like The Game Store, Game, uh, Place, maybe Game World or something… To be honest, we’re going to have to do a little research on this. We get most of our games for free directly from the publishers…by stealing them.
Okay, research done.
Places to find DEALS which are UNBELIEVABLE
Walmart, or “Halgroth’s Lair” as it’s called in some science fiction movies, is a place of extreme pestilence and moral turpitude that, despite having a pretty revolutionary gaming magazine, sucks the life out of all who dare to venture within its walls, which are packed with years of collected sadness, stripped ambition, and the type of pain only those stuck in a perpetual state between life and death could ever hope to describe. Now onto those deals!
Walmart Deals
- Gears of War 3 for the low, low price of Being Tackled to the Ground and Headbutted Repeatedly
- The Legend of Zelda 3DS bundle for Having Your Eyes Gouged Out and 99 cents
- Super Mario 3D Land for the steal of Repeating the Title of the Game to the Vaguely Foreign Middle-Aged Woman Working in the Electronics Department 289 Times
- PS3 Uncharted Bundle for only Getting Punched in the Crotch Until Either the Puncher Gets Tired or You Die
Target is a little like Walmart, in that it has exactly the same stuff for the exact same prices, but it’s also drastically different, in that the logo is red.
Target Deals
- The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim for Getting Mauled by a Khajit (really just an amorous furry who has kept himself up since Tuesday guzzling Redline energy drinks)
- PS3 160 GB + Little Big Planet 2 for Stabbed dollars and Ass-Punch cents
- Madden NFL 12 for a “Scissored Richard,” something that was only explained to us once but that was more than enough to convince us not to buy Madden NFL 12 on Black Friday
Despite being called “Best Buy,” everything here is usually more expensive than the prices you’ll find elsewhere. Maybe they should call it “Worst Buy”! LOL, amirite? Haha, sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves. We’ll give you a moment to catch your breath from that hilarious joke. Ready?
Best Buy deals
- Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 for the fantastic price of Getting Literally Shot
- Duke Nukem Forever for Sixteen Slaps to the Face and Three Kicks to the Sternum and Involuntary Genital Mutilation and Death (which, incidentally, is how several reviewers described playing the game)
- Mario and Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Games for Who Gives a Shit, You Didn’t Go to Best Buy at One in the Morning for Mario and Sonic at the London 2012 Olympic Goddamn Games
- Killzone 3 for $28
Gamestop started as a soul-harvesting company before it was bought out by Nazis who needed a place to store the corpses of Santa Clause the Easter Bunny and make racist remarks to piles of flaming Beatles records while drawing pictures of Mohammed, but recently it became a video game store and its public image has been plummeting ever since. Its current incarnation is a simple barn where gamers enter, get felt up, and re-emerge a husk of their former selves with not a shred of innocence left intact. Gamestop’s motto is “Power to the Players,” which we’re guessing the CEO came up with so he would have something to laugh about.
GropeStop Deals
- Red Dead Redemption: A gropin’
- Portal 2: That’s a gropin’
- Rayman Origins: You better believe that’s a gropin’
The internet is a vast tubular series that contains an ever-expanding record of human history and knowledge, as well as a worrying amount of illustrated pornography based on the title character of The Mask. The Monday following Black Friday is called Cyber Monday, when FAIRLY MORE BELIEVABLE DEALS are procured by the people who couldn’t make it in the big leagues. Here are some of the deals you will be able to find on the internet while others are getting their spines ripped from their bodies in a battle over 30% off Tyler Perry’s Meet the Browns on DVD.
Internet Deals
- EVERYTHING IS FREE
Many of you will opt to have a quiet evening at Your House on Black Friday. Your House doesn’t have the varied selection that the aforementioned locations contain, but it does have many perks in its own right that are worth mentioning.
Your House Deals
- Being able to sit down
- No insufferably bright lights
- No screaming babies
- Much less chance of getting beaten up, disfigured, shot or vomited on
- Very little chance of witnessing the dark, atavistic side of human nature that can only make us more cynical people
- The Mask porn
So there you have it. Where will you be on Black Friday? At a Best Buy shootout? At Gamestop, getting a-fondled? Or at home, safe, comfortable, and not being part of a problem that seems to be getting worse and worse every year?
Yep, Walmart. Us too.
Yesterday:
“No Pressing Need for a Dead Island Movie,” Says Marchewka
Tomorrow:
American Release of Xenoblade Chronicles Opens the Way for Flood of Stupid Petitions
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American Release of Xenoblade Chronicles Opens the Way for Flood of Stupid Petitions
