American Release of Xenoblade Chronicles Opens the Way for Flood of Stupid Petitions
Ha ha, you wish.
As many Nintendo fans are aware, JRPG lovers and ridiculously-huge-sword lovers alike have been petitioning the compnay for months to bring Monolith Soft’s Xenoblade Chronicles to America. The game was released in Japan in June of 2010 and the following summer in Europe and Australia. Nintendo’s decision to withhold a North American release of the game baffled and frustrated many Americans, who believe themselves to have demonstrated a willingness to buy any weird, incomprehensible, cut scene-heavy piece of crap that comes out of Japan.
Nintendo has so far failed to offer a satisfying explanation for their sudden stinginess, but the members of “Operation Rainfall,” which has been petitioning Nintendo relentlessly on the subject, have offered many of their own theories. Some suspect that this is just a clever marketing ploy. Others have speculated that this is yet another attempt by the Japanese to hide the fact that they love Americans by pretending that they hate Americans. One theorized that it’s because Nintendo of America is staffed by “A bunch of ****ing ***** *** ****ers.”
But now Nintendo has changed their mind. Yes, for the first time ever, an online petition has worked.
The fact that Nintendo has given in to petitioners has opened up a floodgate of electronic packets with signatures. Like an inexperienced parent, Nintendo has given its fans the message that a lot of whining will be rewarded. As a result, hundreds of similar petitions have been created on message boards and Facebook pages. The scope of the demands range from piffle to impossible, but they all seem to be pursued with equal fervor. The top ten most popular petitions are as follows:
10. Create a Game That Stars Luigi Where He isn’t Portrayed as a Bumbling Coward
9. Free the Pikmin
8. Free Shigeru Miyamoto
7. Compensate Us for Laser Surgery on Our Other Eye
6. Give Donkey Kong Some Pants
5. If You Can’t Make a Decent Mario Party Game, Don’t Make One at All
4. Dignity for Yoshi
3. Seriously, What is the Deal with Birdo?
2. If You Make One More Pigeon-Related Pokemon, We’re Not Buying Anymore Pokemon Games.
1. Show us Samus’ Boobs
Though the majority of these petitions have been targeting Nintendo, there have been a substantial increase in petitions aimed toward other gaming companies. In particular, Square Enix has been receiving a lot of petition-related heat. By far the most popular topic of these involves Kingdom Hearts 3. The Kingdom Hearts franchise has become notorious for putting off making the main games of the series to create sequels, prequels, and games that happen a same time as other games but in a different place/world/dimension. As a result, Kingdom Hearts 3 hasn’t even begun development. So far there are around 400 petitions titled “Make Kingdom Hearts 3” with an addition 100 titled “Please, for the Love of God, Make Kingdom Hearts 3.”
There are also petitions for remastered versions of almost every Final Fantasy game, including the most recent one. Curiously, this excludes Final Fantasy IX. The only petition related to that game is titled “Tell Us What the Gender is of that Fat Frog Person Thing.”
Microsoft has also been having petition problems. The most popular being “Stop Peter Molyneux.” Though it doesn’t include any specifics about what they want Molyneux to stop, it is swiftly gaining momentum. Additionally, there are a large number of Halo-related petitions, however most of them are requests to ban a certain user or are simply entitled some variation of “Halo is Gay.”
So far there is no sign of the flood of petitions slowing, and Nintendo has not issued any response to the millions of fan who have signed. It’s unclear whether Nintendo is ignoring their fans in an attempt to regain control, but a petition has already been started which demands that the company announce whether they will be responding to any more petitions or if they are going to ignore them all to attempt to regain control. Be sure to check back to Kuribo’s Shoes for updates on Nintendo’s response.
Yesterday:
The Kuribo’s Shoes Guide to Black Friday
Tomorrow:
Nintendo announces new glitch that allows you to enjoy Skyward Sword from the very beginning
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Nintendo announces new glitch that allows you to enjoy Skyward Sword from the very beginning
