3DS Bundle Includes Migraine Pills, Free Laser Surgery
In an attempt to make up for the poor sales of the 3DS, Nintendo has announced a new bundle that addresses the complaints of the thousands of gamers who have experienced nausea, dizziness, and severe eye-bleeding.
People can expect a 9.8235% increase in eye patches and weird eye patch-related fashion.
The newest bundle is one of the most extensive packages that Nintendo has ever released – addressing many of the worst complaints that their customers have issued. It includes a vomit-colored 3DS (to hide stains), four Southwest Airlines-brand vomit bags, a value-size bottle of Excedrin Migraine, a foam cover for the system for protection during blackouts, a special extra large stylus with a rubber grip to put in your mouth during a seizure, and, best of all, a coupon for free laser eye surgery.
This announcement comes just days after the World Health Organization released some staggering statistics relating to the 3DS. So far, there has been a 12.7% increase in worldwide vision problems, a 4.3% increase in seizures, a 7.6% increase in people walking into walls, a 3.9% increase in projectile vomit-related incidents, and a 10.2% increase in little kids with think dorky glasses, which has resulted in a corresponding increase in wedgies.
In this morning’s press release, Nintendo CEO Satoru Iwata explained the reason for the creation of this generous bundle.
“We want our fans to know that we care about their health and safety, almost as much as we care about their money,” said Iwata, “We hope this new bundle will convince you that we are concerned about your equilibrium and ability to see things, because without those, you probably won’t want to buy the Wii U.”
Unfortunately for Nintendo’s consumers, what Iwata didn’t tell them is that the new bundle’s free laser surgery is only for one eye, and even more unfortunately, only having one functioning eye renders the 3D functionality useless. Kuribo’s Shoes asked one of Nintendo’s biggest fans, a young man who bought the 3DS on launch day, how he felt about this announcement. He had this to say before puking on our interviewer’s shoes:
“I mean, yeah, the price drop thing kind of sucked, but at least they gave us twenty free games for it. Of course, there’s still only ten out and I already have all of them on my NES, and my Wii, and my DSi, but it’s the thought that counts. And this new bundle really shows how much Nintendo is thinking of their fans. I mean, sure, those of us who have gone blind or have developed chronic nausea already have a 3DS, but I think that aaaaaaAAAHHHBLAAARGHFGH.”
Though the package may seem like a great deal, some consumers have complained about the price of the bundle. Although Nintendo was able to save some money by advertising companies like Southwest Airlines and sacrificing one eye per customer, the price of the bundle still comes to $999.99. Nintendo justified this price point in the press release, saying that, “Our eye surgeons are the best in the industry, and your eye is guaranteed to work when we send you home. Plus, both the eye and the system come with a one-year warranty.”
Though some fans are displeased by the price of the bundle, our interviewee was quick to point out that it’s much lower than the rumored list price of Sony’s next generation console, which is expected to be around $100,000 for the 160 GB system, and $99,950 for the 80 GB system.
At the same time, Nintendo has announced the imminent release of a new Dr. Mario game for the 3DS which aims to make the idea of laser eye surgery more paletable to children. Dr. Mario 3D: Ocular Surgeon appears to be almost exactly like the original Dr. Mario game, only the viruses have been replaced by eyeballs and the pills have been replaced by colored laser beams. A few parents are concerned that a game where lasers are used to obliterate eyeballs will have the opposite of the intended effect. A few critics have pointed out that the eyeballs look remarkably similar to the viruses of the old games, and the laser beams look quite a lot like pills. However, Nintendo has assured fans that the game will be different, because it will be in 3D. The suggested retail price is $39.99.
Yesterday:
GameStop announces upgrades to its automated phone notifications system, rescinds threats of Biblical plagues
Tomorrow:
“Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched
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“Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched
