“Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched
Uncanny.
Following the emergence of the “Slay a Dragon for Ron Paul” campaign started by Dungeoneers lead developer Alex Beltramo, Newt Gingrich’s dorkier supporters have started a similar program on World of Warcraft.
The “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign will give a dollar to support Gingrich’s nomination efforts every time a Horde player ventures into Alliance territory and kills a Night Elf. Those dollars will be used to pay young men to pose as female cyber-prostitutes, who will charge players gold for their services, and will sell the gold for real money which will be used to fund the Gingrich campaign.
According to the minds behind the campaign, Night Elves were chosen as the target for political reasons.
“Night Elves are gay, as made clear by Mr. Fisher. And according to Newt Gingrich, having openly gay people in a military organization is dangerous because it makes some people uncomfortable. Well, Night Elves make us uncomfortable while we’re playing World of Warcraft, which has the word ‘war’ in it. Therefore, Night Elves are dangerous and need to be eliminated.”
One of the first players to kill a Night Elf in the name of the Republican candidate, a Troll named NewtLover43, had this to say about the campaign:
“Gay people choose to be gay, and they choose to be Night Elves. Since Night Elves are the gay race, the gay people who choose to play as them are openly gay in service to the Alliance. That makes me very uncomfortable. That’s why I kill every Night Elf I see.”
One of the many who claim to have come up with the idea for the campaign first agreed to an online interview in Orgrimmar wherein he explained the reasons for their support of the Republican nomination candidate.
“We support Newt Gingrich because he consistently and honestly adheres to America’s core principles. These include never taxing the rich, letting kids pray in schools, keeping out the Mexicans, defeating socialism, cutting off those lazy welfare queens, torturing terrorists, and, most importantly, keeping the gays from getting married. We feel that Gingrich embodies the virtues of American patriotism and strong family values.”
When asked how Gingrich’s divorce and general abandonment of his cancer-ridden wife was an example of family values, the interviewee replied by saying “STFU NOOB” and then reporting me for trolling.
The campaign for Gingrich’s nomination denies having any involvement in the fundraising efforts on World of Warcraft. However, the dedicated team of researchers here at Kuribo’s Shoes have discovered that Gingrich does indeed have a World of Warcraft character connected to the movement. The character is a level 85 Orc warrior with the name NewtRulez69. The former speaker rides a grand ice mammoth into battle, and some people (who may or may not include our researchers) say that he chose this mount because it has an uncanny resemblance to Gingrich himself. He is the head of a raiding guild called “Presidents of Azeroth” which makes regular raids against the Alliance, particularly against areas frequented by Night Elves. It is also rumored that he married a Blood Elf in-game, but divorced her while she was struggling to recover from a vicious hacking that left her completely without epic gear.
It appears that NewtRulez69 has connections to several Chinese gold miners who have been funneling gold to the guild which is running the campaign. It’s rumored that Gingrich is writing off the pitiful wages he’s paying these Chinese players as a business-related tax credit.
So far these Gingrich fans have raised over $10,000. One victim of the campaign offered his opinion about their efforts: “They can kill all of us a thousand times. Nothing’s going to get that mammoth elected president.” Another Night Elf player responded by releasing a video of dozens of male Night Elves dancing with each other over the corpses of Orcs to a user-created song entitled “Gay People Choose to Be Gay as Much as You Choose to Be Celibate.”
Despite these criticisms, the “Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” campaign is going strong. However, it’s expected that the funds raised by this effort will be insignificant compared to the millions of dollars in bribes given to Gingrich by giant malevolent corporations.
Update: It appears that the IRS is filing charges against Newt Gingrich for tax violations related to his financial activity in World of Warcraft. Facing increasing hostility and pressure from his raiding guild, Gingrich has announced his resignation as guild leader, saying that “I’m willing to lead but I’m not willing to preside over people who are total n00bs.”
Yesterday:
3DS Bundle Includes Migraine Pills, Free Laser Surgery
Tomorrow:
Big game companies stop backing SOPA, Fascism, possibly Satan
One Comment to ““Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched”
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Big game companies stop backing SOPA, Fascism, possibly Satan
One Comment to ““Kill a Night Elf for Newt Gingrich” Campaign Launched”
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Very funny!