N-Control apologizes for their marketing disaster, we apologize for ours

A few weeks ago, Penny Arcade published a series of emails between a marketing rep for N-Control, the makers of a new controller accessory for the handicapped that looks like Cthulhu having sex with a jungle gym, and disgruntled customer Dave. For those not in the know, Penny Arcade is a website known for its snarky video game humor, as featured in this unforgettable classic comic strip:

Dave sent the transcripts to Penny Arcade after the rep berated him for his questions about when he could expect to receive the accessory, at one point saying, “You just got told bitch,” and at other times bragging about all his contacts in the industry. N-Control has since apologized for the rep’s handling of the situation, promising to donate $10,000 to the charity organization Child’s Play, plus $50,000 worth of its horrifying contraptions to handicapped children around the world, presumably in order to scare them.

In other news, when Kuribo’s Shoes heard that you can undo any damage to your reputation simply by giving a couple of bucks to some kids and announcing it to the media, we did a dance of joy and seized the opportunity right away — for although our reputation doesn’t reach very far as yet, it is almost entirely negative. We’ve had so many scandals in the short time we’ve been around that we’ve started planning them in advance. For instance, on our schedule for today is “Make fun of Norwegians.” We don’t even have anything against Norwegians, but we have to do it because it’s on the schedule.

We’d like to kick off our apologies by posting an email transcript between us and consumer Jim, who ordered one of Kuribo’s Shoes’s own controllers a few months ago and, for one reason or another, was not entirely pleased with his purchase.

From: Jim
To: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division

Yeah hi i bought the kurribose shoes cotntroller and today i got this in the mail

wtf dude this is just a jellyfish

- Jim

From: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division
To: Jim

Dear Jim,

I understand your concerns, but they are completely misguided. That is not “just” a jellyfish. That is the Jellypad Pro 3400. It combines all the sleek stylishness of a jellyfish with all the controller functionality of a jellyfish.

I trust this brings the matter to a close.

- Chris Haygood, Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Representative

From: Jim
To: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division

chris,

no this does NOT bring the matter to a close. i ordered a controller, not a jellyfish. if i wanted a jellyfish i would have said so. please giev me a refund now.

- Jim

From: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division
To: Jim

Jim,

Just give the Jellypad a shot. You may find yourself pleasantly surprised.

- Chris

From: Jim
To: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division

CHRis

i plugged the jellypad into my xbox and it shocked me. i could not use it to play halo, it just kept shocking me when i touched it. i want my money back okay

- Jim

From: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division
To: Jim

Jim,

I would totally give you your money back, if not for my having already spent it all on jellyfish bait. These controllers don’t stock themselves. How dare you assume that they do.

And hey, maybe you should wait for the Jellypad to dry out before you start inserting its tentacles into electrical devices, Jim, you big genius. I don’t think I need to remind you that these controllers come from the ocean and are therefore going to be wet for a little while.

Also, the reason your controller doesn’t play games is because the Jellypad Pro 3400 is currently compatible only with the Phillips CD-i. Read the information before you buy something, tool. What are you, Norwegian?

- Chris

P.S. I think there was something else I was going to say… Oh, right. “You just got told bitch.”

From: Jim
To: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division

i dont get whats going on. why are you being rude to me? even though this is the funniest and most interesting website ive ever been to, and it’s so clever, and at least one of its writers is the most handsome man alive, your customer service is horrible.

please Just give me my money and we can be done w/this.

- Jim

From: Kuribo’s Shoes Marketing Division
To: Jim

Fine. We’ll refund your Jellypad. However, I was telling the truth when I said I already spent all the $799 you paid for it, so we’re going to have to refund your Jellypad with another Jellypad. I trust this settles the matter for good.

- Chris

To be fair, we did end up sending him a special Jellypad Pro XL, which is like the original Jellypad Pro except that it’s made out of a living box jellyfish, one of the most lethal creatures known to mankind and therefore of a higher quality. Since Jim hasn’t responded since we shipped it to him, we can only assume he is 100% satisfied with his replacement.

Nevertheless, to Jim, Norwegians, and all the countless purchasers of the Jellypad Pro 3400 who expected anything other than tentacled marine life: we’re sorry. To rectify the issues caused by our callous black hearts, Kuribo’s Shoes promises to donate $12.99 to the charity organization Men Without Hats by buying their album “Pop Goes the World” from Amazon. We hope this act of kindness towards hatless men everywhere will show the public that we will do anything — anything — to convince people to give us money in the future.