New Twisted Metal Game to Break Barriers in Video Game Violence
New details revealed about the upcoming Twisted Metal game have illustrated just how gut-wrenchingly violent the game will be. Early screenshots depict a violence so horrific that only the most hardened criminals will be left unscarred by the scenes of carnage. This game will make mothers everywhere rush out to buy children Grand Theft Auto IV in a desperate attempt to distract their kids enough that they will never catch a glimpse of Twisted Metal.
The leader of Focus on the Family was unwilling to be interviewed and reluctant to be photographed.
Twisted Metal developer Eat Sleep Play isn’t just ramping up the gore and the quality of the blood decals. They’re revolutionizing video game violence as we know it. According to the latest news, Eat Sleep Play has hired a number of people (whose citizenship has yet to be confirmed by our research department) to drive around residential neighborhoods with poor fencing. Every time a player runs over a puppy one thousand times in the game, an Eat Sleep Play employee will run down an actual puppy.
Not surprisingly, PETA is up in arms about this announcement. The animal rights organization has vowed to boycott all games made by Eat Sleep Play. However, since everyone knows that all vegans do is chop vegetables and talk about how everyone should be vegan, the threat has gone generally unnoticed by the gaming industry.
Eat Sleep Play is also introducing intellectual violence into the newest Twisted Metal. In this game, players will earn bonus points by burning books. Every time a player burns their hundredth published document, an employee of the company will burn an actual book. This has of course upset the literary community. To balance things out, Eat Sleep Play has promised a similar feature wherein for every hundredth time a player burns down a church, an employee will pee in some holy water. This has of course enraged the Christian community, but this isn’t anything new to the creators of the Twisted Metal series.
In response to outrage from all sides, the U.S. government is taking preliminary action to prevent this game from reaching the general public. President Obama has deployed troops to surround the Eat Sleep Play office building, but so far no employees have been captured. Most of them were already outside of the office practicing running over puppies or peeing in holy water. The others, anticipating this reaction, have barricaded themselves inside the building with a large supply of Gatorade and Chinese food and are continuing development.
U.S. Vice President Joe Biden had this to say about the standoff:
“As the leaders of this great nation, it is our duty to protect our citizens from themselves. We may not be able to stop those dorks from making the game, but by God that abomination will never be sold in stores. I for one do not want our children to be exposed to this kind of violent content, and I also do not want to be blessed with some werido’s pee.”
So far there has been no word from the Eat Sleep Play developers, but they have released an animated GIF of a priest peeing on Joe Biden. The U.S. military has responded by posting troops outside every GameStop, EB Games, Target, Walmart, Fred Meyer, Kmart, and Sears store in America. Unfortunately, there weren’t actually enough soldiers to cover the many thousands of stores, but the government was able to convince the members of Focus on the Family to help out by standing outside of these locations with shotguns.
No member of the U.S. government has yet mentioned what they will do if Eat Sleep Play decides to release the game digitally. It’s the general opinion of the gaming community that this is because the members of the U.S. government don’t understand that releasing a game digitally is possible, because they’re old.
Because of this, Twisted Metal fans are generally unconcerned about this spectacle, but nonetheless have thrown their support behind the Eat Sleep Play team—even going so far as to promise not to pirate the digital release of the game. Some have launched a campaign wherein they take pictures of PETA members, Focus on the Family leaders, and government officials and create Photoshop images of Sweet Tooth, Dollface, and other beloved Twisted Metal characters murdering them. The fans have been emailing these images to the Eat Sleep Play team in order to keep their spirits up. To show their gratitude, the developers have released an animated GIF of Joe Biden peeing on Jack Thompson.
It doesn’t look like any of these challenges has slowed development of the new Twisted Metal. In fact, the isolation from any kind of distraction seems to have sped up the process and may lead to even more violent innovations. Only time will tell what other kinds of animals and religious peoples will be affected by the release of this game.
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