“The game’s cheating!” cries stupid six-year-old loser
First-grader Benjamin Michaels faces a predicament: according to him, every game he plays cheats to make him lose. The final straw happened when Ben was playing Mario Kart Wii and was almost all the way up to sixth place, the highest he had ever attained, when the game cheated and forced him to slip on eight consecutive banana peels, hit himself with a dozen green shells, fall off a cliff, and drive for six laps before realizing he was going in reverse. This all managed to put him in eight place, making him lose even to Toad. At this point he threw down the Wii remote and screamed “Stupid game! It’s cheating!” at the top of his lungs, AA batteries flying as far away as under the refrigerator, where they will never be seen again.
What Ben didn’t know, however, was that the game wasn’t cheating at all, but was appropriately responding to how horrible he was at it, and all games, as well as pretty much everything he does. In fact, it has been reported by his family that Benjamin Michaels is one of the shittiest players any of them have ever seen, even worse than the blind girl who lives across the street, who has no hands. The game might have seemed to be cheating to his stupid, sub-human brain, and to anyone first entering the room, who wouldn’t have believed such suckage could possibly be achieved through mere human endeavor, but Mario Kart Wii was in fact as blameless as video games come.
To clue the boy in to this fact, his older brother Pete facetiously inquired, “How come every game cheats when you play it?” When young Ben failed to detect the sarcasm in his older brother’s voice and thought Pete was siding with him, Pete followed up, with apical rhetorical grace, “Your gay.” That he somehow managed to get the typo noticeable in the spoken sentence is impressive.
Benjamin’s father said in an interview that failure did not run in the family, and that such ineptitude was something unique to his “bullshit son.” He admitted that he couldn’t remember for sure if Ben was adopted or not because he and his wife were both too phenomenally drunk to notice the first years of his existence, but that they would check local orphanages to make sure. Either way, he stated, the boy was “a complete accident, and we’re not glad we had him.”
“I’m never going to play Mario Kart again,” whined the stupid snot-nose, who smells like spoiled mayonnaise
“Anyone want a terrible kid?” he asked. “No charge.”
Ben’s mother offered more sympathy than the male members of the family, saying that the issue had to do with Ben’s misunderstanding of the controls, and that he probably wouldn’t lose so badly if he took the time to read the manual. She then said, “If only the little dipshit could read.”
At school more than anywhere else, little Ben has felt the pressure of video games’ tendency to “cheat” when he plays them, as his peers have consistently harassed him after online video game journal Kuribo’s Shoes posted his embarrassing story, and subsequently reposted it several times, including the time they did that was right now. The children continue to play such pranks on Ben as giving him swirlies, tossing him into a dumpster, throwing his backpack on the roof, and other awesome stuff the little shitbrain deserves. Kuribo’s Shoes asked Kuribo’s Shoes why we would ruin a kid’s life like this, but we have yet to respond to us.
It’s not just the students who give him a hard time: his teachers, janitors, and lunchladies have also taken up the task of showing the ugly jerk his place in society, which is very much the bottom. Said the principal of Ben’s elementary school, “Every day we approach what we assume is the limit to how much you can treat one person like crap, and the next day we top ourselves. Like, we lock him in closets and poison his food and lay rusty nails in his seat and stuff. The other day I buried him alive. That was fun. But it’s also a little frustrating, because every time I see that dumb face of his I want to punch it, yet I don’t want to lose my job. If I ever feel like quitting, though, that’s how I’m going to get myself fired. You can count on that.” When asked how he could be so cruel to a child just for complaining about a video game’s difficulty, the principal responded, “Video game?”
Young Ben certainly has it rough, but he isn’t without his allies.
“He doesn’t suck at games. The games really do cheat,” said Ben’s best friend Dale, who only said that because he sucks just as much at video games as Ben does. They’ll probably get married, and their wedding motif will be “We suck at video games, and also at everything else we do.” More news on their inevitable honeymoon forthcoming.
UPDATE: It has been reported that Dale has terminated his friendship with Ben after reading the Kuribo’s Shoes article making fun of the two boys. We contacted us for comment, but due to the sudden rift in the space-time continuum caused by our doing so, our infinite, thirty-five-dimensional response has been delayed until further notice.
Yesterday:
EA Sparks New Marketing Trend: Literal Video Game Launches
Tomorrow:
Microsoft unveils bold new strategies to combat used game market, insists existential threat to human race is “minimal”
2 Comments to ““The game’s cheating!” cries stupid six-year-old loser”
Leave a Comment
Microsoft unveils bold new strategies to combat used game market, insists existential threat to human race is “minimal”
2 Comments to ““The game’s cheating!” cries stupid six-year-old loser”
Leave a Comment
What a tard.
I got stuck behind Ben once on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. He somehow managed to run the car off the tracks, shutting down the ride and killing 3.